


Uhura and the Men of the Enterprise Swimsuit Calendar

by TheWatcherObserves



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Chippendale's, Complete, Gen, Humor, Risa - Freeform, Swimsuits, calendars, celebrity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-26
Updated: 2014-08-17
Packaged: 2018-02-10 12:51:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 40
Words: 23,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2025798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheWatcherObserves/pseuds/TheWatcherObserves
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens when an admiral - who hates Kirk, Uhura and Spock for existing - asks a favor for Starfleet's survival? </p><p>They should all know better than to volunteer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Proposition

**Author's Note:**

> This story exists as part of a larger tome - "Uhura Walked Into a Bar..." - on ff.com. The bigger "book" contains stories on how Nyota Uhura gained her reputation for handling "situations" in bars across the quadrant.
> 
> This story caused so much laughter amongst family and friends I decided to cross post.
> 
> Nyota really is a BAMF...

****

“Repeat what you just said?”

“I said Admiral Asshole wants the male bridge officers to do a swimsuit calendar. Except Chekov - he’s not legal yet everywhere it will be sold.” Kirk repeated.

 

Uhura and Carol Marcus hurt themselves laughing.

 

“You’re serious!?” Carol finally got out.

 

Across from Kirk, McCoy and Scotty grinned like altar boys stealing sacramental wine. They’d each bet Jim 100 credits that this would be the reaction of the Enterprise’s only female senior bridge officers.

 

“Yes,” came back to her in irritation, “I’m serious about the request.”

“Well, we’ve all had a good laugh. Carol and I have a date with the gym -” Uhura chuckled.

 

A look around the room told her the meeting wasn’t over.

 

“Captain, you’re not entertaining this, are you?”

 

Kirk’s examination of the table top was a dead giveaway.

 

“Yes.”

 

_Spohkh, you can’t be serious!_

 

_K’diwa, the captain’s reasons are logical._

 

Spock calling Jim Kirk logical. The situation must be dire.

 

The story went like this:

 

Thanks to: 

 

  * Two psychopaths with big ships and grudges against Earth (really three; whose side Admiral Marcus represented was still under consideration), 
  * The ever-growing needs of the Vulcan remnant,
  * Khan’s power dive into San Francisco harbor with Starfleet’s only advanced star ship, 
  * The need to pay planetary governments to play nice with the humbled Federation, 
  * And **_huge_** settlement payouts to the survivors of all of the above, 



 

Starfleet was -

 

“Broke!?” Uhura exclaimed, deducing the coming conclusion.

“You have to be kidding!” Carol added, cringing at her family contribution to the insolvency.

“Not bankrupt broke - more like not-paying-all-the-bills-on-time broke. Some of us on the Enterprise haven’t been drawing pay to make payroll.”

 

Carol’s head swiveled to Scotty who took a sudden interest in the state of his fingernails. Uhura went the direct route.

 

_Spohkh?_

 

 _As we have substantial investment income, I deferred my salary. I believe the captain, who has a sizable trust fund, has done so as well._  

 

“Here’s the deal I cut with Komack-the-Evil-Admiral and the calendar producers. We get 1,000,000 credits for the shoot whether they use the photos or not. Starfleet gets 30% of that. The remainder we’ll deposit in the ship’s account on New Vulcan. If the calendar comes out, our cut of the gross is 50% which is split between us, Starfleet and the Federation. Anything we do beyond the calendar is - .”

“Who’s writing the contract?” Uhura cut in.

 

The generosity of the deal concerned her. Admiral Jackass would find a way to screw them. Komack hated Kirk as a life choice and Spock and Uhura for being bonded, married, heroes and on the Enterprise. Admiral Old-School wanted **all** married officers _off_ of Federation star ships and _court-martialed_ for violating Starfleet regs.

 

“Spock.”

 

The captain’s cheshire cat grin gave her pause.

 

“He retained an attorney to represent us from Uhura, Uhura, Uhura, Uhura, Uhura, Uhura -”

 

Kirk inhaled like he’d been underwater too long and continued.

 

“Uhura, Uhura, Uhura, Uhura and Wakenfuzi, Attourneys at Law.”

 

“The boss of the firm, M’Umbha Uhura, took a special interest in us; she’s handling our case personally. I hear she’s a shark.” 

 

Uhura’s mother would represent them. 

 

They’d see every dime they were due or heads would roll for centuries until they did - with interest and penalties. Uhura’s brother Edward was second in the firm.

 

Admiral Jackass would be lucky to have his boxer briefs when her mother finished with him.


	2. Chapter 2

The vid of “the pitch” telecon kept Uhura and Carol Marcus rolling in laughter.

 

_A Few Hours Ago..._

 

Minutes into the telecon Komack lost complete control of his meeting to the calendar’s producer/pitchman.

 

“Your reputations as defenders of the Federation - and the galaxy - will help -”

“Lemme in here, lemme in here. 

“Jimmy K., you’re a great admiral - real prince - but don’t try to sell anything - knowwhatI’msayin’?” 

 

McCoy typed Komack’s new nickname - “Jimmy K.” into his PADD.

 

“Bo-ring, Jimmy K.! Borrr-rrring!”

“Cannae argue with you there, laddie!”

 

Scotty had sense enough to mute the room before raucous laughter broke out at Komack’s expense. A sliver of Spock’s teeth could be seen between the lips of that un-Vulcan Vulcan smile.

 

“Kirk! You got what it takes to make money, babe. I could get rich selling ass wipes with your face on’em. KnowwhatImean?”

“Ass wipes? I like this guy, Jim. I _really_ like him!” McCoy informed his best friend.

“Thanks, Bones. Remember that the next time you want a shuttle ride instead of a transporter trip.”

 

McCoy shut up with great effort.

 

“And Spock. Spock-Spock-Spock - gals and guys all over the universes have been trying to find out why Vulcan guys are so HOT. Especially with that inferno you married. Where is the missus, by the way?”

 

This time Kirk and Sulu shed tears of laughter, pointing fingers at the forest-green tint of Spock’s ears.

 

“Nevermind. I got another idea for you and her. Fly off the shelves, catchmydrift?

“So I’m thinking we get you guys someplace sexy - you know, your basic SOB: sand, oceans and babes of any gender or species - in some bikini trunks and oiled up and I’m hearin’ ‘cha-ching’ on 30 planets.”

“Mr.?”

“Trumpe. Donal T-r-u-m-p-e. Rhymes with toupee.”

 

An interesting rhyme given the ridiculous obviousness of the fake hair “Donal” sported. 

 

“You can call me, Don. We’re gonna be doing a lotta business together, getme?

“Mr. Trumpe, what remuneration should we expect for this endeavor.”

 

Don pointed at the display on his end while smiling at a discomfited Komack. The producer’s finger almost jutted out of the screen in 3-D.

 

“Is he a find, or what? You can’t make what he’s got. Gen-u-ine. Couple of interviews and you won’t have a bank big enough to hold the credits.”

“Our payment details, Mr. Trumpe?” Spock injected again.

“Starfleet gets 50% of every calendar sold.”

“Donal -”

“You Sulu?” Donal asked, squinting into the display until his face filled it.

“Yes -”

“The master of ninjutsu weaponry, amIright?”

“Actually it’s saber and epee.”

“Doesn’t matter. You’ve got the voice - I bet you’re beatin’em off with a stick, rightagain?”

“Donal - it says your last calendar sold 8.5 billion e-copies.” Sulu said, returning to the topic.

“Yup. Great calendar ‘The Queens of Q’o’nos’. Couldn’t keep the servers up.”

“Cap’n -” Sulu sent to Kirk after muting the comms.

“At 60 credits each that’s -”

“510 billion Federation credits.” Spock provided.

“Sweet saints preserve us. You cannae be serious! For a bloody Klingon _calendar!?_ ”

“What’s it take to run the Enterprise in a standard Federation year?”

 

Leave it to McCoy, a man with perpetual financial issues, to cut to the chase.

 

The answer tripped off Spock’s tongue before Kirk could type the calculation into his PADD.

 

“916,260,374.58 credits averaged over the last three years. That figure does not include space-dock or dry-dock sustainment costs.”

“Call it 1.1 billion credits.” Kirk simplified, “That gives us a comfortable cushion to take care of the crew.”

 

All observed Sulu’s comm button slap. On the other end, Donal Trumpe hadn’t noticed the silence from the Enterprise. Komack’s desperate expression told them Donal hadn’t come up for air in the last 5 minutes.

 

“andsoIsaytomyself, ‘Donal? Can you smell the money? -”

“Donal! I think the Enterprise officers, not Starfleet, should negotiate the contract. After all, Starfleet can’t command us to do this.”

 

Komack reared forward at Sulu’s suggestion that he’d lose control of the money.

 

“Now just a minute, Lieutenant -”

“Hey, Sulu - that’s between you and your masters. My company has _noooooo_ problem cutting a contract with you guys directly. Makes it easier for us - no middle man.”

“Captain,” Sulu went on, “with your permission, I would recommend Donal’s approach. We should split the gross -”

“Waitaminute-waitaminute-waitaminute! What’s this _gross_!? I got expenses! I got mouths to feed!”

“In deference to Mr. Trumpe’s concerns, might I recommend we shoot the calendar on New Vulcan? There are two oceans, relatively unspoiled with the small population, two suns and longer daylight hours. And our collective coloring would contrast well with the reddish mountains that border both shore areas.

“New Vulcan will also provide cost advantages unavailable on any other Federation world with similar amenities.” Spock summed up.

“Spock! Quit workin’ for peanuts and come work for me! Komack, you’re missing out here. Brains, looks and a wife who’s listed as a legit medical cause for heart attacks. The two of them are worth a million credits a day and you’re wastin’em.”

“I’m sure the admiral has his reasons...” Kirk suggested.

 

Komack’s glare had no effect on Kirk. The admiral wasn’t even an amateur compared to Uhura.

 

“Mr. Trumpe, we’ll be in touch. Mr. Spock and Mr. Sulu will negotiate on our behalves. Admiral, once we have a deal in place, you and I can work out what we’ll donate to Starfleet.

“If that’s okay with you?” Kirk asked, all sweetness and light.

“Admiral? McCoy here. I’m calling Starfleet Medical - your blood pressure is off the charts. They’ll be there on the double.”

“Better send a dentist for those teeth he’s grinding...” Scotty added under his breath.

“Call us when you feel better, Admiral.” Kirk sent solicitously,  “Mr. Trumpe! Look forward to working with you.”

 

Grinning at his success, Kirk terminated their end of the comm.


	3. The Shoot

Ensconced on New Vulcan at Sarek’s expansive compound, Carol and Uhura attended the photo shoot as VIP “guests” of Donal Trumpe. Presently they stood away from the chaos happening on the shoreline.

 

“Can you believe they’re doing this?”

 

Carol’s question interrupted Uhura’s careful observations. The men of the bridge stood, at various comfort levels, getting made up and oiled up.

 

  * Kirk, a seasoned veteran in wearing only his underwear - including in Uhura’s dorm room at the Academy - couldn't be more relaxed with the hands of Donal’s adoring production staff working his body. Noting Jim’s visible biological response to all that attention, Donal instructed the crew to keep him “photo ready”. 


  * At the other end of the spectrum, Scotty fought the hands trying to prepare him by slapping and cursing at them in equal measures. In desperation, Donal pleaded with Scotty to find someone he liked to oil him up. To everyone but Uhura’s (and therefore, Spock’s) surprise, he picked Carol. 


  * Sulu, deep into his Zen buddhist calm persona, disturbed the heartbeats of both genders who fought each other to get more contact time with the Vulcan-like Asian in their midst. Sulu snagged a date with Sarek’s administrative coordinator for later that evening despite the fact that her hands never touched his body that afternoon.


  * Spock experienced neither pride nor embarrassment about his body. Carol’s shoulder bump reminded Uhura to stop acting like a newlywed while others performed actions for her husband that none but Uhura had ever done. Spock’s amusement at her increasing arousal and jealousy didn’t help. Fortunately, the differences between human and Vulcan anatomy would ensure that only Uhura knew the truth about Spock's Vulcan physiology. Millennia of looking after passionate, emotional and lethally violent Vulcan males caused Mother Nature to revise her original design. Most of Spock’s prodigious gifts sat well hidden inside a built-in carrying case deep within his pelvic girdle. Mother Nature’s evolutionary design modification ensured that most Vulcan males reached maturity with their reproductive equipment in tact. Spock’s image would defer to Jim Kirk’s for the lust-filled customers of the calendar. And that was just fine with Uhura.



 

Of course, Spock _had_ to tease her.

 

_K’diwa, I would not wish to embarrass you. I can produce more visible evidence of my capabilities._

 

Uhura planned to kick his ass for that after they scientifically tested the strength of the Vulcan bed in their suite at Sarek’s compound.

 

McCoy, who hated everybody, treated the many people and many hands working on him with the same unbiased animosity as he did his friends, his family, his crew mates, his superiors at Starfleet Medical, his ex-wives’ lawyers, his...

 


	4. The Calendar

The day the calendar came out resembled every other day under Kirk’s command. 

 

And that shouldn’t have happened.

 

The interchanges elevated Uhura’s irritation as each man involved with the calendar seemed **_too_** nonchalantly unconcerned with viewing the completed project.

 

**Kirk** -  

“Captain, have the final copies of the calendar come in for the Enterprise crew? I’m getting a lot of requests.”

“When they get here, Lieutenant Uhura, they get here. Let’s get this mapping done.”

 

**Sulu** -  

“Hikaru, do you have your copy of the -”

“Love to show it to you, Uhura, but I have a date!”

(followed by the sound on running feet)

 

**Scotty** - 

“Scotty have you -”

“Don’t ask me - I hope they flush the bloody thing. I hope the servers slag! The whole ridiculous lot can póg mo thóin!”

 

**Spock** -  

“Commander, I believe there’s something wrong with the receive buffer in my console. I cannot retrieve the calendar from any of the authorized sites.”

“There is nothing wrong with your console, Lieutenant.”

_Spock - what’s going on!_

_Please, k’diwa..._

 

**McCoy -**  

“Hey, Len, do you have a copy of -”

“Get outta here, Uhura, before I give you a medically unnecessary hypo!”


	5. Chapter 5

“I don’t understand all the secrecy. Your husband won’t even mention it.” 

“I’m aware.”

 

Two very annoyed women sat together in an uncrowded area of the Mess Hall and applied their formidable intellects to breaking the men in their daily lives into tiny little pieces.

 

“What about telepathically? Can you retrieve it while he’s -”

“Carol!”

“Nyota, I know the details behind your time together at the academy - like getting Kirk to steal those files on Vulcan sexual -”

“Alright!” Uhura hissed at her.

“So you did try.”

“Yes,” Uhura sighed in confession, “if I’d pushed any harder he’d have known what I was up to.”

“Hmm. That’s an unexpected disadvantage of marital telepathy.”

“That’s an unexpected disadvantage of not wanting to sleep alone. What about you? Why was Scotty so angry?”

“Because my questions rendered him too... distracted to -”

“Oh! Sorry.”

“Don’t be. I wanted to -”

 

From the speakers hidden throughout the Mess Hall, both women heard the call.

 

“Dr. Marcus, Lieutenant Uhura. Captain’s quarters immediately. Dr. Marcus, Lieutenant Uhura...”

 

Grabbing their  trays, the two senior officers dumped their waste in the receptacles near the door and hoofed it to Jim’s quarters.


	6. The Reveal

The Chippendale substitutes were already assembled when Carol and Uhura entered Kirk’s quarters.

 

“Ladies. Can I get you something to -”

 

Carol cut Jim off, raising a tide of red from Scotty’s shirt to his receding hairline.

 

“You can answer a few questions first, Jim -”

“- like what you know and when you knew it.” Uhura finished.

“Spock, seeing as one of these two belongs to you - “

“Belongs?” Uhura shot across Kirk’s bow out of her attitude cannon.

“Yeah,” Kirk grinned back unselfconsciously, “isn’t that what all that bonding language is about?”

“Jim Kirk, I will ki-”

“Nyota, if you will allow me, I will answer your questions.” Spock interceded.

“This better be good or you’ll ‘belong’ on the captain’s couch for the next week.”

“Your communications console has been modified -”

“I _knew_ it! Which one of you -”

“- to ensure the smooth functioning of the ship. There have been some unexpected outcomes from the calendar project.”

“Unexpected?” Carol prompted, still staring at Scotty like she would a malfunctioning plutonium detonator.

“Aye, lass. You have to understand - we only got the calendar proofs 36 standard hours ago. By the time we saw them and got together to discuss - “

“You mean fight about -” McCoy corrected with a most disturbing smile and a huge sip of bourbon.

“Shut yer gob, man! Alright - to fight about the options we missed the editor’s deadline...”

 

In the intervening silence, the professional diplomat in Uhura analyzed the outcome of that mistake.

 

  * Kirk seemed pleased which meant he liked his own results and those of his officers. Jim cared too much about his crew to agree to a product that showcased his own image at the expense of his colleagues and friends. That told Uhura Jim believed they had a winner.


  * Scotty hated the results so badly he’d resorted to Gaelic profanity to express his distaste. The looks passing between Carol and Scotty coalesced into a hypothesis that Scotty deathly feared Carol’s response to the calendar. The photos scared the stiff out of Scotty last night with Carol wearing lingerie beside him. And Scotty wasn’t drinking. Anything.


  * Sulu could be as hard to read as Spock. Right now Sulu checked out his brothers-in-calendar with an inscrutable look. Having worked with Sulu and her mother during the numerous calls to get the legal language worked out, Uhura took his almost smug look for confidence that the calendar would generate revenue to the levels they’d projected.


  * Spock’s inscrutable look had all the earmarks of a man trying to maintain control before walking the plank. Anyone who believed Vulcans didn’t panic didn’t know any living Vulcans. If Spock shielded any tighter, he’d create a singularity in his own brain case and both working brain cells would get sucked into the black hole. Testing the nature of his concern, Uhura slowly squeezed their bond link closed and got her answer: Spock feared she’d divorce him when she saw the calendar.



 

McCoy sat back comfortably with one leg crossed over the other and three bottles of Jim’s best bourbon on the table. No calendar concerns could unhinge him in the next four hours.

 

“Let’s show it to the ladies. Come over here -” Jim offered, always the gentleman.

 

The captain vacated one of the two chairs facing his comm terminal display and stepped behind to await the ladies’ assessment of the product.


	7. Chapter 7

The comments came, interestingly enough, on a person-by-person - not photo-by-photo - basis. 

 

  * Jim Kirk in bikini trunks oiled up and comfortable in his own body dilated the two female officers’ pupils and another opening or two. The hands that had tactilely kept him “interested” at the photo shoot created photos with pure eye candy appeal. Starfleet would have _noooo_ problems increasing the number of recruits after this went on sale.


  * McCoy, surprisingly, looked great. After spending 23 hours of every 24 in Sickbay, McCoy somehow found time to work out. Careful and expert application of makeup “younged” him up. In their periodic comms, Abby McCoy had hinted to Uhura that “Lenny” had nothing to be ashamed of and the truth of that was obvious without any stimulus.


  * Sulu in skinny trunks turned into a lithe, tight martial arts god. Built like every swimmer or diver Carol had ever known back at Oxford, his casual confidence and lovely proportions made an interesting contrast with his fellow officers. A nice package didn’t hurt either.


  * While not exactly the most fit of the lot, there was something to be said for climbing up and down jeffries tubes and access conduits for 12 or 15 hours every day. Scotty presented the most serious appearance but it worked for the ensemble photo, given his position as the shortest of the group.



 

And then came Spock.

 

Every set of male eyes in the room watched for Uhura’s reaction - except McCoy who stared at Spock with malevolent anticipation. Kirk stepped back a second before his own package would have caught her chair dead center.

 

“Oh my GOD! WHO DID THIS?”

 

Uhura’s reaction - both vocal and telepathic, shook Spock so badly he spoke her pet name aloud in a room full of people.

 

“K’diwa - “

“How did this happen!? Carol! Did you see this-this-this.... **PROP** when we were at the shoot!?”

“I promise you, I didn’t. I would’ve lo- “

“CAROL! That’s my HUSBAND!”

 

Furious, Uhura spun on Jim Kirk, who would take the blame for letting this picture see publication.

 

A hail from the bridge interrupted the peer review of the photos.

 

“Captain,” Hannity started, “there’s a hail from Admiral Komack. For you and the group.”

“Captain, may I suggest we adjourn to our quarters.”

“Why not the bridge, Spock?” Kirk asked.

“There’s no WAY those pictures of MY HUSBAND are going to be seen on the bridge of the Enterprise!”

“Captain, I would agree with Nyota. Privacy might be best for communicating with the Admiral.”

 

Spock explained this as he made a beeline for the corridor at maximum stride.

 

McCoy, absolutely jubilant at Spock’s predicament, brought up the rear. Cradling three bottles of bourbon tenderly, he provided color commentary to the corridor.

 

“Just keeps gettin’ better and better!”

 


	8. Chapter 8

“Please seat yourselves.”

 

Kirk couldn’t do that because he couldn’t pull himself away from the wall-sized high resolution display in the quarters Spock and Uhura shared.

 

“Captain, if you will take a seat, please. The Admiral has been waiting 9.73 minutes.”

“Spock?...” Kirk asked, mesmerized.

 

Uhura repeatedly jeered at Kirk, waving her arms from side to side to get him to move out of her sight line.

 

“Yes, captain?” Spock replied while subtly steering his commanding officer to an available seat with a firm Vulcan hand on Kirk’s shoulder.

“Why does Uhura have one of these displays in her quarters and I don’t?”

 

Spock’s non-verbal response of a raised eyebrow and a Vulcan half smile got through.

 

“Right. Stupid question.”

“If you will be seated,  Jim.”

 

Spock slapped the comm button. The picture sprung to life as Kirk whispered over the lap of his irate comm chief to his first officer.

 

“We are going to discuss this display situation, Spock.”

 

The screen filled with a smiling Komack and a hyperactive weasel resembling Donal Trumpe.

 

“Captain, I see you have the group assembled. I want to congratulate you -”

“Welcome to celebrity! Wasiright or wasIright!? In the last galactic day we’ve already placed 29 million units.

“You guys are HOT! Wait! The ticker says we’re up to 42 million.”

 

Spock’s wife panicked out loud.

 

“It’s on SALE!? Spock - _they can’t show those pictures of you_!”

“What’s the hourly retail sales rate on the calendars?” Sulu asked, typing furiously on his PADD.

“Hey Spock! Did you like our little edit? 

“Yeah, so I was talking to this Vulcan medical guy, Mbugga-something. Real fan of our Klingon calendar. 

“Anyway, told him I was concerned that we hadn’t captured you at your best. Didn’t mention your name, just said an actor we were working with on New Vulcan. 

“Well he laid the truth on me. You sly dog! No wonder you’ve got a babe like Uhura on your arm. From what I hear, we’d have to stitch your compadres end to end to -”

“Spock - DO SOMETHING!” Uhura shrieked into Spock's ear.

“Whazza matter? I promise you it’s an anatomically correct edit. We made sure. Wait - is that you, Uhura? We shoulda checked with you -”

“You’re damned right you should’ve checked with me!” she yelled to the display through Spock’s delicate - and ringing - ears.

“Yeah, yeah. Sorry about that. I didn’t think about it - did we get it right? I mean, is it big enough?”

 

Scotty got bathed in the bourbon that used to be in McCoy’s mouth, setting off a string of Gaelic profanity all having to do with copulation.

 

“IS IT BIG...?!?!? - listen, Donal, when my mother gets through suing you for defamation and falsification and, and, and -”

“Told you those green-blooded cyborgs were different. Looks like a third arm...” McCoy the Xenophysician inserted.

“Nyota -...”

“Shut up Spock, I’m not done! And illegal modification of -”

“Nyota?...”

“WHAT SPOCK!?”

“Mr. Trumpe’s alterations are proportionally accurate -”

“I KNOW THAT SP-”

 

Uhura’s brain woke up, mortified, in the middle of her reactionary confirmation.

 

Scotty had just placed the drying cloth down when McCoy baptized him in bourbon again.

 

“Jesus, Spock!” Kirk exhaled, his hands reflexively covering his own less adequate resources.

“No way! Yer talkin pish! And McCoy, ya bas, stop drinking if you cannae hold your liquor!” Scotty yelled in a mixture for Fed. Standard and Scottish Gaelic as he dabbed himself dry again.

 

Sulu whistled before concluding - “We need to raise our prices...”

 

Carol just stared, mouth agape. And smiling.

 

Nyota’s head spun to face Spock.

 

“DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE LOOKING AT-AT-AT...THIS!?”

“...or already have...” Leonard the Smart-ass added through the bourbon

“Told you she was smart, Komack-baby. Hot body and a genius!

“Uhura? You asked the trillion-dollar question. That man-eating lawyer you sicced on me negotiated an individual tie-in agreement. 

“The  Kirk and Sulu dolls - all anatomically correct, I might add - are flying off the shelves at toy stores and WallyMart. But get this - they’re STEALING the hover-trucks with the Spock dolls.”

“What’s the current pricing on the dolls?” Sulu asked, typing furiously on his PADD.

“You and Kirk are 200 credits each. We just demand-priced Spock at 1000 credits and we can’t keep’em! I’m telling ya, Uhura, if we could get you in on this we’d each own our own planetary system in 6 months, yougettingmysignal?

“And who’s that sitting next to Scotty? The bottle blonde?” Trumpe squinted into the camera.

“That oughta start a fight...” McCoy the Instigator commented.

“See here, Mr.... Whatever your name is -” Carol protested.

“Call me Don, babe. Just as long as you call me, causeI’msointoyou.

“She with the old man? The Irishman?”

“I’ve got yer ‘old man’! And I’m a SCOT, ya daft twit!”

“Notaproblem, notaproblem! We’ll create an OT3 with the blonde, Sulu and Kirk. Get the polyamory and the Skirk crowds buyin’em. How’s she look in a bikini?”

“Carol’s pretty hot in lingerie.” Kirk offered.

 

Uhura tried to beat the hair off Kirk’s body until Spock restrained her.

 

“Listenlistenlisten. The reason I called is I booked a marketing junket to Risa. 

“Resort there wants to offer the calendar and dolls as part of a vacation package with you guys as the dessert. Big party at the floating bar - tickets at 35,000 credits and up. Babes, booze, bucks - heaven!

“That Uhura broad - geez Louise is she a pain in my tuchus - we agreed you’d get 15 large out of every ticket. Saaayyy... She related to your Uhura?”

“She is my mother-in-law.” Spock offered up in penance.

“Riiiiight. Spock - do me a favor? On Risa NOBODY’S married. Youhearingme?

“Oh **HELL** to the NO! He’s married or he’s not -” Uhura started up again, neck moving in circles in preparation to step through the display and kick Donal Trumpe’s anemic weasel ass. Spock grabbed her before she got her second earring off.

“Anyway, if this junket works, we’ll schedule a few more.”

“What’s our appearance fee?” Sulu asked, typing furiously on his PADD.

“100k each for Scott and McCoy, 200K for you, 250k for Kirk and half-a-mill for Spock. 

“Plus accommodations - McCoy and Scott will share a three-bedroom suite. You and Kirk each got your own 2-bedroom jobs." 

“I’m not staying with that drunken fool!” Scotty shouted at McCoy.

“Who you callin’ a drunken fool, you scotch-guzzlin’ boozer!” McCoy zinged back before returning to his glass.

“Spock will be in the VIP suite IF he can talk Uhura into coming. If not, he gets the penthouse. Meals and alcohol on the house. It’s a sweetheart deal! Even that shrew lawyer of yours -”

“That’s my MOTHER!” Uhura started up again, this time getting her second earring off and unzipping one boot before Spock corralled her.

“What’s our autograph fee?” Sulu asked, typing furiously on his PADD.

“Junkets in two standard weeks so I gotta know by tomorrow. That’s it, Jimmy K! We’re done. See ya!”

 

And the screen went blank. It provided the only silence in the room for hours.


	9. The Fandom

“Buffer overflow, sir. Comm circuits are down again.”

“What’s the estimate, Ensign?”

“Unknown, sir. These systems are only rated for 100 million message per hour. Lieutenant Uhura might be able to repair it faster, sir.”

 

Kirk sighed, the thumb and index finger of his right hand stroking the migraine headache pain line riding just on top of his occipital ridge above his eyebrows.

 

How could any idea suggested by Komack ever turn out right?

 

The *whoosh* of the turbo lift doors did not reveal the person Kirk most wanted to see - his communications chief. Instead, her newly minted Vulcan “stud muffin” husband made his way to the communications station and took over from the visibly befuddled ensign.

 

“Where’s Uhura?”

“Sickbay. She developed acute nausea after the most recent meeting with Mr. Trumpe.”

 

Which meant Kirk might never get his ship’s communications back since no one but Uhura could intimidate that damn console into behaving itself AND figure out how all those groupies got the direct comm access codes to the Enterprise in the first place.

 

Sulu choked on his own saliva, stumbling into the adjacent corridor for water and a private place to laugh his ass off.

 

“Spock - I want a meeting in your quarters at 1400. We’re going to have to dump these messages and get some kind of a content filter up and running fast.”

“Yes, captain.” 

“Kirk to McCoy”

“McCoy here.”

“Is Uhura still in Sickbay?” 

“Affirmative.” 

“Any estimate on when she’ll be fit for duty?” 

“Oh, I don’t know,” McCoy drawled in pure sarcasm, “maybe when she stops throwin’ up? McCoy out!”

“Spock! Make sure Uhura attends the meeting. I think I can cure what ails her, assuming it’s not your fault.” 

“Sulu, you have the - where the hell is Lieutenant Sulu!?”

“He had a choking fit and left zhe bridge, Captain,” Chekov cheerfully volunteered.

 

 _Komack must have SF Intelligence operatives on board for things to go this wrong..._ , Kirk decided.


	10. Chapter 10

“The Enterprise ship account contains 19 billion credits after all accounts are settled with the Federation and Starfleet.

“Currently we’ve donated almost 35 billion credits to the Federation and 63 billion to Starfleet.” Sulu finished.

“Why are those numbers different?”

 

Sulu explained the difference concisely.

 

“Because, on the recommendation of Mrs. Uhura, our attourney, we’ve spent the difference - 28 billion credits - on Vulcan resettlement under the management of Ambassador Selek.” 

“A Spock in any timeline...” McCoy mumbled under his bourbon-tinged breath.

 

Acknowledging McCoy’s observation with a nod, Sulu resumed the financial briefing.

 

“Mr. Scott and Dr. McCoy have a balance of accounts of approximately 12 million credits each after all debts are settled and minus their purchases. 

“Captain, your trust fund holding account has deposits totaling 21 million additional credits.

“Spock - and Uhura - have seen the greatest return from the merchandising of additional Spock products. The most recent accounting puts his net return at 41 million credits.”

“Nothing like a big green lollypop to -”

 

“Shut up, Len!” came from the bedroom. Dressed in shorts and a tank top, Uhura joined the swimsuit models in her living area.

“How you feelin’, hon?”

“Better. And before you ask, Captain, no; I’m not pregnant.”

 

The relief noises from Sulu caused all attention to fall on the taciturn helmsman.

 

“If it got out that Spock and Uhura were having a kid it would kill doll and autograph sales at the junket.” Sulu explained.

“That reaction _right there_ is proof we’re in over our heads.” Scotty informed the calendar crew.

 

The Scotsman’s serious eyes took in the group before expressing his assessment of their situation. 

 

“I remind you gentlemen - and Uhura - we’re explorers. We got into this bog to bail out the Enterprise and Starfleet. 

“We’re done, Jim.

“All our people are paid up, ship’s stores cannae hold another crate, Spock, McCoy and I own a planetoid with dilithium mines -”

 

The slow protrusion of Kirk’s lower lip announced a full on pout.

 

“Ach! Spit it out, Jim.”

“You guys never discussed that investment with me?”

“Quit pouting,” Bones the Snark clarified “Only adults get to be partners in our company.”

“Spock’s still a Vulcan teenager!” Kirk complained.

“Not where it counts, kid.” McCoy the Xeno-Anatomy Professor clarified again.

“I’m going to assume you meant his head, Len.” Uhura cut in.

“You do that, hon.”

“ _As I was saying_ ,” Scotty interjected, “the facility mods for the family quarters and the day care _and_ the school are underway with not a **pence** from Komack and we’ve got a 25-year rainy day fund for the Enterprise and her crew. 

“Let’s plan our exit and celebrate our escape before we do something stupid.” Scotty warned.

“Scotty’s right.” Uhura seconded.

“You’re only saying that because your husband’s Vulcan tackle is the main source of credits.” Kirk teased.

“Want me to call Komack?”

“I’m kidding!... _Don’t do that_!”

 

This was all getting too complicated...

 

“I’ll take your recommendations under advisement.” Jim answered thoughtfully before moving on.

“Thanks for the financials, Sulu. 

“Everybody grab a PADD. We’re here to clear the comm system cache buffers. Spock created buckets for each of us to go through and delete this crap so I can get my ship back.

 

The next several hours went **nothing** like clockwork.


	11. Chapter 11

**Sulu**

 

Sulu, the entrepreneur of the group, scanned the first 10,000 comms before messaging Chekov. Wandering aimlessly around Spock and Uhura’s quarters with his PADD, thousands of messages hit his digital dustbin before Chekov comm’d back. 

Retaking his seat, Sulu executed Chekov’s hastily developed app and smiled in quiet satisfaction. 18,629,347 messages quickly reduced to 19,177 messages - all legitimate business offers for the Enterprise Swimsuit Squad© (Sulu’s new - and legally registered - brand name for the business). 

 

If 1% of these deals yielded a 5% net profit return, they‘d all be bazillionaires in 24 Earth months. 

 

Spock would be a trazillionaire.

 

**Scotty**

 

At one thoughtful answer every five minutes, Scotty estimated he’d be just under 12,000 years old before he got through the messages he already had in his bucket. 

Desperate to provide answers serious - and courteous - enough to shut off further correspondence, Scotty comm’d Carol Marcus and begged for help. Minutes later Carol announced at the door to Spock’s quarters and plopped herself next to Mr. Scott on the couch.  

Savvier at this style of social engagement, Carol created form letters that Scotty could customize in seconds - technical answers, acknowledgements, publicly available personal information, gentle rebuffs of marriage proposals (including a 6-way polyamorous offer requiring Scotty to gestate the offspring from the multi-partner mating encounter), stronger rebuffs of sex offers (including the backup 6-way polyamorous mating offer if Scotty were biologically unable to conceive) and thanks-but-no-thanks replies to the vids and images received. 

 

The third time Scotty’s eyes crossed and he lost the ability to speak, Carol filtered all vid and image files to her PADD. 

 

This protected Scotty’s delicate sensibilities and allowed Carol to craft personalized responses of her own.

 

**Kirk**

 

Kirk’s bucket, second only to Spock’s in message inventory, kept the captain smiling and busy. 

 

While he didn't answer every comm personally (independently coming to the same conclusion as Carol Marcus about the need for a personalized form-letter response), Kirk did spend significant time shuttling many messages - particularly those with vids and images - to his “Further Action Required” folder.

 

In some cases, he forwarded images from his last shore leave on Risa, encrypted heavily. These were accompanied by simple notes in the return comm that could all be interpreted as:

 

“Comm me back at this private address.”

 

**McCoy**

 

McCoy read exactly three messages: 

 

=*The text from his mother congratulating Leonard Horatio on solving his ex-wives’ payment plan problem 

=*The pic from his daughter, Jojo, squealing at how cool it was to have a daddy her friends thought was a hunk  

=*The encrypted vid from Abby describing her physical response to the photos and announcing her intent to apply for a research practicum onboard the Enterprise so that she, Jojo and Lenny would be co-located. Abby went on to detail for Lenny what would happen in Lenny’s quarters - with helpful images - at the end of each work day after Jojo went to sleep

 

“Lenny” McCoy moved these three correspondences into his personal folder.

Leonard McCoy then deleted the remaining 8,913,624 messages without opening them.

 

Thus the good doctor returned to his libation at a record rate compared to his colleagues.

 

**Spock**

 

Spock telepathically pleaded with his bond mate to allow him to address the comms -  **alone**. Citing her recent nausea and his ability to read, review and dispense of the comms at 5-times her admirable rate of speed garnered him no quarter; Uhura intended to place her mark on the messages. 

 

With just over 52,192,507 messages to be handled, Spock groaned mentally at the ordeal in front of him.

 

At her insistence, Spock extended access to his mate. 

Fingers flying, Uhura reduced the number to 23,501,264 messages in mere seconds. A quick look across their bond told Spock she “answered” every comm with the subject heading “Marriage Proposal” using a one-word exclamatory sentence. 

Another 22,179,058 comms bit the dust minutes later using a similar strategy - except the second group all had subject headings offering sex and responses from his mate containing a Klingon expletive and the words **HELL NO**! in bold caps.

When Uhura elbowed Spock again, she’d decided that the remaining group would require their joint attentions. Snuggling into his lap in the chair, they shared a PADD to get through the heaping pile. Every comm had a vid or image file embedded to be viewed.

 

Comm #13 disturbed the peace. 

 

Spock’s agile fingers skidded across the touch interface to open the comm for a decision. 

 

The revealed image caused Uhura to drop the PADD. 

Stunned - and semi-trapped in Spock’s arms - she didn’t move fast enough to prevent McCoy’s recognition of the anatomical parts of the pic. Nor did she prevent McCoy grabbing the PADD from the floor (with amazing speed for a bourbon-soaked sot).

Uhura’s recovery and anger arrived but not fast enough. McCoy tossed the PADD to  Kirk as Uhura’s swipe at it missed the mark. Kirk had the image up on the wall display in seconds.

 

“You can _DO_ that with image editing software?” Sulu asked to no one.

“Close your eyes, lass!” Scotty directed Carol while placing his hand between her eyes and the image. Cute though his gentlemanly protections might be, Carol really wanted to see the pic.

“Yup. I’d say green lollypop applies.” McCoy the Candyman razzed Uhura, who glared at him.

“Can he **DO** that, Uhura!? Is it physically possible?” Kirk asked incredulously, head canted to one side as he tried to puzzle out the arrangements of super-sized appendages on the wall display.

 

Snatching the PADD from Kirk, Uhura deleted Comm #13 and all remaining image and vid comms, flushing them through her Kirk-proof secure comm disposal system.

 

Grabbing Spock’s hand roughly, she tugged him to standing and announced they were done and retiring to bed.

 

But not before she shot Kirk a look of pure seduction and an answer - 

 

“Yes he can...”


	12. The Junket Dry-Run

To say Trumpe’s idea to have a “dress rehearsal” on Wrigley’s Pleasure Planet did not go well would be lying.

 

* * *

Arriving on the planet, late into the 16 hour night cycle, the Calendar Crew© (Sulu’s second registered name for the group) - along with their “escorts” (Nyota Uhura and Carol Marcus) - found their way to the VIP entrance of the hotel fairly easily and without much hoopla.

In their last telecon with the money-making moron Donal Trumpe, they’d been _assured_ that Wrigley’s would handle security. The “anything goes” pleasure planet sat well away from the cluster of vacation planets - including Risa and the city of Rixx on Betazed - thus ensuring (according to Trumpe) “a walk in the park experience” for the new celebrities in their first fan event.

Because of scheduling conflicts, Trumpe found himself on Boreth in Klingon space shooting the follow-up to “Queens of Q’o’nos” - a calendar with the working title of “Big Boombahs of Boreth”. As the Enterprise junket was a dry-run, Donal sent his younger brother, Topper Trumpe, to handle the logistics.

 

Rounding the corner to the rear concierge desk, Kirk noted a smallish, sweaty man wringing his hands and looking very nervous.

 

“Topper?”

“Yeah-yeah-yeah!” the human ferret responded.

 

That voice could only belong to a family member of Donal Trumpe.

 

“Jim Kirk. Can you show us to our rooms? It’s been a long day.”

“Yagottaunderstand?”

 

The Enterprise officers turned to Uhura for translation.

 

With an exasperated huff, Uhura released Spock’s hand and stepped in front of the captain.

 

“Look, Topper. I’ve kicked better asses than yours in bars across this quadrant. Make this all happen without any trouble and you’ll go home to your brother in one piece.”

“It’snotmyfault!!! Don’thitmelady! You ARE a lady - right?”

“What’s the problem Topper?”

“Theyonlybookedonesuite...” 

 

Topper cowered behind the concierge podium as he delivered this news.

 

“What did he say?” Carol asked, concern descending onto her face.

“If I understand him, we’re all in one suite - not the separate suites Donal the Lying Ass promised us,” Uhura explained.

“How many bedrooms?” Sulu asked, calculating the cost of additional rooms on his PADD.

“Inthesuite? ThreeIthink.”

“Who taught you to speak Fed. Standard???” Scotty asked.

“Your **_mutha_**!” Topper replied in clear Brooklynese.

 

Kirk bear-hugged Scotty to save Topper from two whooping.

 

 “Carol and Nyota will take the smallest bedroom” McCoy figured out, “and we men folk will split the others.

“Oh no, Len! I’m sleeping with my husband on this trip. You guys and Carol can figure something out.”

“Guess it’s you and me, Monty” Carol concluded, grabbing his carry bag and her own.

 

Scotty stuck a hand out to stop her.

 

“Uh... Under the circumstances, lassie, do you think we should... I mean...” Scotty stuttered as if they’d never spent time alone and undressed together.

 

The last of Uhura’s patience took an extended vacation.

 

“Then give Carol the room and double up with Jim! Can we PLEASE just go to our suite? THANK you!”

 

McCoy, whose luggage made unusual clanking noises (like cocktail glasses during a toast), balked at the arrangements.

 

“I promised myself I’d never share a room with Jim Kirk again and I don’t aim to break that promise. I’ll take the couch - Sulu, you can bunk with Jim.

“Everybody wear SOMETHIN’ to bed tonight. You hearin’ me!?” the grumpy doctor instructed.

 

Settled in the bedroom assignments, Topper led the group into the VIP elevator for the ride to their VIP floor where...

 

Groupies of all genders and species and colors and appendages (wet and dry) grabbed Kirk and Spock out of the lift. Dropping their bags, Uhura and Carol swung with both fists to reclaim their shipmates and to clear a path to their suite. 

 

Sulu’s hands immobilized Topper as the Donal-surrogate turned to run in the opposite direction.

 

“Where’s Security!?” Sulu screamed at the sniveling coward.

“IdunnoIdunno! Lemmego!”

“Who leaked this!?” Uhura yelled between punches and nerve pinches.

“MaybeDonal? It’sgoodpublicity - _don’tyouthink_?”

“What I think, Topless, is you need to make yourself scarce before Ms. Uhura comes back for you.” the Doctor suggested.

 

Reaching into Topper’s pocket, McCoy removed the suite key. At the lessening of the pressure from Sulu’s hands, Topper’s feet flew to the stairwell opposite the fan mob and disappeared down the stairs.

McCoy retrieved his traveling medical kit from his bag and loaded three hyposprays,  handing one each to Scotty and Sulu while keeping the last for himself. 

Snatching his own and Uhura’s luggage then nodding for the others to do the same, the doctor led the way, demonstrating the rapid administration of medically unnecessary hypos to his two comrades.

 

“Cavalry’s comin’, darlin! Just keep plowin’ the road for us!” McCoy yelled to Uhura.

“Don’t worry -”

 

A nerve pinches from Uhura dropped a crazed male fan dressed up as Uhura.

 

“- about me -”

 

Carol stumbled as Uhura cold-cocked a set of Romulan-looking twins wearing nothing but smiles into her path.

 

“- just rescue Spock and Jim!” Uhura finished.

 

A sickening thud accelerated the hypo applications.

 

Hypo’d bodies dropped like they’d been nerve pinched by Uhura. The trio brought up the rear, closing ranks with Uhura and Carol at the suite door. Keying the door open, McCoy threw the bags in without looking and joined his colleagues in rushing into the suite. Carol and Scotty pushed intruding appendages back through the door before closing it and locking it securely.

Kirk and Spock had been badly handled by the fans, passed overhead mosh-pit-style until Spock’s greater density led to his being dropped. The doctor snatched opened the med kit to retrieve his medical tricorder. 

After a quick med check McCoy looked up from the instrument display and laughed out loud.

Before him stood the captain and first officer of the Enterprise. 

 

In the buff. 

Groupies had stripped them clean of clothing.

 

Sulu, a certified adult, separated his own bag from the others and retreated to the bedroom with the most beds.

Scotty spun Carol towards the smallest bedroom and dragged her and their bags into it but not before Carol got a gander at the two naked officers.

Spock, never self-conscious about his body, stood patiently while his mate gathered their bags. The Vulcan hottie did note Kirk’s surreptitious attention to specific areas of his half-Vulcan anatomy.

Uhura, irritated with Kirk’s attention to Spock, adopted a Buddha-like smile. Hooking her arm through Spock’s, she set a leisurely pace into their bedroom.

Standing in McCoy’s sleeping area - which doubled as the suite’s living area - Jim Kirk asked a medical question of the doctor:

 

“Bones? Where the rest of it? There was more in Spock’s calendar picture, right?”

 

A hard push sent Kirk towards the door that Sulu had disappeared behind. McCoy hurled Kirk’s luggage into the room (hitting Jim in the back of his head) with a final bedtime wish for the captain.

 

“Grow up, kid!”


	13. Chapter 13

Six hours of attentive “apologies” only delayed Nyota’s demand that Spock cease all calendar-related activities. Her plaint began seconds after he’d activated the room’s soundproofing. 

She’d misled him; he’d assumed her willing participation meant she understood his hands were tied.

 

**First Hour**

 

“Spock - this is OVER. I don’t care what it costs, you’re no longer a member of Kirk’s Calendar Crew©.”

Their bond link flooded with images of Spock’s plans for the evening.

Having lost her train of thought, Uhura settled into his arms and returned the kiss that descended from above.

 

**Second Hour**

 

“Spock, we need to discuss how to get you out of this!”

Spock groaned aloud.

“Discussion will be impossible while your hand continues that particular movement...”

 

**Third Hour**

 

“Spock - stop distracting me! - SPOCK! DON’T-STOP-DON’T-STOPDON’TSTOP!!!!”

“Which instruction would you prefer I follow?”

 

**Fourth Hour**

 

“Spock - this is serious! You could’ve been hurt - that mob stripped you naked!”

“And I remain so now.”

“Yes... You do. Mmpfh...”

 

Spock long ago determined that Nyota would not argue with her mouth full.

 

**Fifth Hour**

 

_Right THERE!_

As this instruction occurred telepathically, it was impossible to state definitively who sent it.

 

Probably didn’t matter after five hours...

 

_______________________________

 

As Surak (should have) said: Never assume; especially with your mate.

 

When hours of passionate attention failed to deter her wrath, Spock held his own for the next 20 minutes of her vocal and telepathic yelling, pleading his legal entanglement constrained his choices. Given the vigorous nature of their prior activities, she mystified him with the energy she invested in battering him to a pulp (figuratively speaking).

After 20 minutes of professionally blistering his hide failed to get his agreement, her shields went up and her voice went down. 

 

Uhura’s words came through in a low mumur - soft, sweet and sexy - as a knowing smile spread on her lips and her body spread across his for more distractions -

“Ashayam, I’ll take care of this calendar situation for both of us.”

\- and scared Spock to death.


	14. The Junket

The events at the junket hit the news feeds before the melee itself ended.

 

* * *

 

The sheer density of reporters, celebrities, guests, hangers-on, deal makers, starlets, wanna-bes and Star Fleet brass - meaning Komack and his entourage - all with personal comm devices and high-speed connections to the universe guaranteed the quadrant knew in real-time.

The resulting online onslaught of calendar memorabilia collectors melted authorized distribution servers on Earth, Betazed, Velara, Arachnis in the Klingon Empire (where Scotty had a major fan base of single Klingon women), Penthara in the Romulan Empire (where blood feuds broke out between two clans claiming Spock as a long, lost relative) and Gorn (where interest in Sulu doubled the conflicts and the sales of explosives).

 

Donal Trumpe spazzed as credit intake slowed to a crawl while server administrators were revived or replaced. 

Donal freaked when sales soared without credits increasing - servers on Ferenginar (where the Ferengi “helped” themselves to a few million credits as a public service to those unable to access the authorized servers), Cardassia (where the Intelligence agency captured every users’ access information) and Talos IV (where no species actually lived... really... Donal had a bunch of Betazeds check and they couldn’t _remember_ seeing anybody) picked up the slack and the money during the outages of authorized servers. 

Thus Donal left the junket’s management and the shepherding of the galaxy’s once and future celebrity officers to no one as he made sure the credits kept rolling in on every side.

 

The outcome of the junket was commensurate to the quality of the management.

 

Unbeknownst to anyone - but suspected by Carol Marcus - Uhura implemented her own plan for ending this “adventure in voyeurism” that required full-time paid security to keep Spock fully clothed in public places. 

While the ingenious plan accomplished her intent, it did so with far more collateral damage than she anticipated - even more than her lawyer (and mother) anticipated.

 

* * *

 

The morning started well enough with Donal convening the crew in Spock’s VIP suite. Weasel-Boy informed them that an emergency required his attention as credits were being siphoned off by pirate servers on Ferenginar, Cardassia and Gorn (where the explosives manufacturers set up their own servers to keep explosive sales up). Donal’s explanation bypassed the empty planet, Talos IV.

 

“How much are we losing per hour?” Sulu asked, typing furiously on his PADD.

“Toomuch, toomuch,Toodamnmuch!” Donal spit out.

“Listenlistenlisten. Komack and his posse are here so give’emagoodshow, okay?”

“Donal, what’s the agenda for the day?” Kirk asked.

“Gladyouasked - see, that’s why you’re the head honcho! So, 11:00 you do a photo shoot with the Topless Miss Galaxy winner and runners-up. Be sure to where those new thongs I got for you.”

 

They lost Spock as he followed a running Uhura into the bathroom with a cola-flavored soda to help with the vomiting that always accompanied interactions with Donal.

 

“That’s IT! Captain - court martial me now. I’ll not be seen in that-that-that... JOCK STRAP!” Scotty vented.

“Calm down Mr. Scott. Donal, continue.” Jim quietly commanded.

 

Carol rose to retrieve a cup of something soothing for Scotty.

The engineer gulped the liquid, eyes still burning holes through Donal, before reversing the flow of liquid all over McCoy.

 

“Dammit, Scotty! I’m a doctor not a spittoon!” McCoy barked, shaking the liquid from his shirt.

“What IS this - paint remover!?” Scotty yelled, staring in disgust at the cup.

“It’s bourbon." Carol apologized, “The bar’s out of real scotch.”.

“Replicated scotch’s better than this swill!” Scotty complained, sitting the cup as far away as his seated reach would allow.

“Watch your mouth,” McCoy warned between sips of his own restorative, “I was raised on bourbon - don’t be talkin’ about my mama’s choices.”.

 

The Scot groused under his breath, “Explains a lot...”

 

“At 12:00 the concierge will take you to the pool deck for Rump ‘Riting”

“Rump writing? Pretend I don’t know what that means.” McCoy queried, eyes narrowed in Donal’s direction.

“Rump ‘riting! Geez - wheredoyouguyslive? Delta quadrant? You’ll sign autographs on people’s rumps, youknow - their derrières-keisters-tuchuses-asses.”

 

Uhura headed directly for Donal but had to reverse course when her stomach vetoed her intent to commit murder. Spock - who’d just cleaned up the bathroom - fell backwards into the shower as she charged into him.

 

“Monty won’t be signing any posteriors with me there!” Carol protested.

“You can bet Donal's ass, I won’t!!” Scotty concurred.

“Donal,” Jim sighed, rubbing his eyebrows where the migraine settled in, “anything else scheduled?”

“Pieceofcake-pieceofcake-pieceofcake after that. Mingling at the bar in the waterfall pool. Just bob around, smile and be nice to the VIPs and celebrities. Wear the new swimwear - they match your uniform shirts. Lot tighter, tho’, ifyouknowwhatImean.”

 

Donal’s elbow poked Kirk, accompanied by a leer and a wink.

 

“Gottago. Gotta see who’s stealing from us now. See you at dinner.”

 

And with that, Donal left before Uhura could cross the room and beat his scrawny ass.


	15. Chapter 15

Uhura begged off accompanying the group to the photo shoot, citing the unpredictability of her innards. She promised to rest and meet up with them at the pool bar. The crew - and Carol - returned to their rooms to change and meet their obligations as Stafleet’s newest stars. 

 

“Spock - here’s how this is going to flow. Don’t let anybody touch you. Stay with your security escort; if they get mobbed, run like a cheetah.

“Have I made myself clear?”

“Nyota, I am not a child. My father is an ambassador; I have any number of experiences with social gatherings attended by Federation dignitaries and VIPs”

 

Nyota crossed her arms over her chest and stared at him. The neck itch her death stare triggered distracted Spock’s attention from her next words.

 

“Not like this you haven’t. If I find out someone got their hands on your ass or you end up naked again, I will personally unscrew and remove my favorite parts of your Vulcan anatomy and I will sever our bond _before_ I sue you for divorce.”

 

She explained her concern wasn’t his discipline but that of the VIPs, celebrities and fans - he’d already lost his clothes four times in the last two weeks when his security detail got ambushed.

 

“You belong to me, Spohkh; I don’t share.”

 

Spock received the image she pushed telepathically - Nyota in a Valkyrie metal bikini, hair flowing and sword gleaming. The lace-up boots had him reconsidering his commitments for today. Her feral smile had the synapses in his brain negotiating for reassignment to his sexual pleasure center.

Empathically, Spock willingly absorbed every micron of the jealousy and possessiveness she felt. 

 

“Clear?”

 

Love came through, communicated by her grin, her eyes and her mind. He congratulated himself again for choosing wisely on her 18th birthday.

 

“Clear, k’diwa.”

 

So Spock stood in the rear during the photo shoot with the “Ms. Topless” winners. 

Spock’s location turned out to be a good choice: Scotty, being the shortest, got placed in the front. Every change of pose saw his ears nudged by nipples. Photographers and videographers had to wait out his beet-red blushes and Carol’s swearing fits. 

 

“If ONE more of you bimbos boxes his ears back with your bosoms, “ Carol threatened, “I’ll make your rooms disappear into a bloody black hole - while you're in them!”

 

A resourceful Spock used the local 3-D printer and self-adhesive paper to create attachable copies of his signature - the short, not-easily-counterfeited version. In this way, his line at the Rump ‘Riting session emptied at a record pace without his touching a single proffered rump. 

Jim Kirk provided an extra service: covering his lips in edible paint, Jim planted kisses next to his signature for a few lucky recipients. Things went along swimmingly until Jim changed colors and suffered a violent allergic reaction to the new paint. Several hypos (and a haranguing from McCoy) later a disappointed Jim returned, using only the provided pen.

Sulu and McCoy seemed most comfortable with the events so far. 

Sulu wisely used the time between photo set-ups with the topless beauties to negotiate joint appearances with the Calendar Crew© and the buxom babes; he made an appointment to meet with their agent - Ms. Topless Omicron Ceti III (noting sagely that “three” applied to _everything_ about her) - after dinner tonight. 

McCoy, the consummate professional, diagnosed every malady he could identify on the scantily clad participants in the photo shoot and the autograph session. 

When the Enterprise’s CMO applied steroid cream - unasked - to the rear end of an autograph seeker (explaining it would treat the allergic rash from her breast implants)  the concierge hastily declared the signing session over and moved the group along to the pool bar activities.


	16. Chapter 16

Sporting their color-coordinated swim trunks, Starfleet’s most popular and most photographed officers schmoozed with A-list celebrities, Federation VIPs and well-heeled fans from across the galaxy.

Spock dispassionately observed the limited amount of fabric covering those rich enough to buy their way into the event.

 

“Spock, enjoying yourself?”

 

Kirk trudged his way through the slight current of the pool to stand next to his first officer.

 

“It is an excellent opportunity to study the behavior of the ‘rich and famous’ in their native habitat.”

“I would’ve thought you’d experienced plenty of this as an ambassador’s son.” Kirk replied as two bootylicious beauties moved within snuggling distance.

“Not like this, Captain.”

“You know what, Spock? Me either. But I like it.”

 

The two swimmers in transparent swimsuits tugged Kirk towards the deep water waterfall area (protected by netting to keep inebriated fools from falling the 1.5 meters to the lower family pool). Focused on confirming the captain’s safety, Spock startled - in a Vulcan manner - when a swimming waiter handed him a drink.

 

“For you, sir. A gift.”

“I do not consume alcohol.”

“I was directed to express the giver’s utter disappointment if you declined the offer.”

 

Impeccable manners compelled Spock to take the drink.

 

“It is aesthetically pleasing. Does this cocktail have a name?”

“It is called ‘Black Window’s Kiss’.”

 

Spock observed the dark drink with the blood-red bottom curiously. 

 

“Thank you. I will accept it.”

 

Turning as the waiter floated back to the in-pool bar, Spock searched for the potential patron of the drink - his instructions from Nyota front and center in his brain. Shielded to the maximum, he scanned the collected revelers for a hint to the gift’s source.

With careful observation, Spock reasoned, he might head off an amputation by Nyota if he identified the donor and explained both his marital status and the pugilistic reputation of his mate at bars across the quadrant.

Curious, though, he sipped the drink and found it appealing in a way most alcoholic beverages were not. Despite the cloying sweetness at the bottom of the martini glass, the drink’s exquisite flavor encouraged him to finish and its effects almost distracted him from his intent to discourage his benefactor before Nyota found out.

 

A commotion interrupted Spock’s search. Moving purposefully through the water, Spock made to assess the situation and stopped dead.

 

Three-inch heels set off her legs which Spock’s eyes followed up to the horizon - or almost there. 

Curvy hips moved side to side, hypnotizing the Vulcan, in a rhythm that had his eyes bouncing with them. 

The smallish waist drew his sight upward to firm, pert breasts and a neck that forced him to clamp his jaw shut to suppress his primal urge to bite. 

Hair, tons of it, fell in soft curls that set a counterpoint to the rhythm of her walk. Spock dropped the empty cocktail glass into the pool and never noticed.

 

“Can I be you, Spock? Just for today?” Kirk panted, joining his friend in gawking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The cocktail mentioned really exists. Check the web for recipes.


	17. Chapter 17

The beauty messing with minds in and out of the pool trailed a mob of rich wolves, of all _seven_ genders, intent on steering her into their suites. 

 

The smile - subtle, alluring, suggestive and dangerous - impeded thought processes. Her cover-up dangled over her shoulder, held on a single finger. Spock's Vulcan hearing picked up every indecent offer made to her. 

 

“How much to rent you for year?”

“I don’t care who he is - divorce him and ditch the ring.”

“What’s your asking price? Seriously...”

“Who owns you now?”

“What model sexbot are you? Nexus 7?”

“My fremstat needs attention and I think it will just fit your...”

“I’m hiring. I don’t care what you do now.”

“If we’re careful, all six of my appendages will fit - and maybe my sibling’s too...”

 

She laughed them off.

 

Sulu arrived to join Kirk and Spock. No one noticed.

 

“Can we schedule another photo session - with Uhura in that outfit?” he asked, typing furiously into his PADD.

“I think I see a **_different_** calendar in the near future. You ready for that, Spock?” McCoy the Psychic predicted.

“Mr. Spock - I think you should deal with this. NOW.” Scotty commanded his superior officer with a finger pointing towards trouble.

 

Uhura approached the side of the pool, catching Statue Spock’s eyes.

 

_Hello, ashayam. Did you like the “Kiss” I sent you?_ she communicated through their bond. 

 

Uhura had gifted the drink whose container sat ignored at the bottom of the pool. She didn’t tell him it was full of the theobromine - the main Vulcan intoxicant in chocolate.

The beeping sound she got back from Spock’s head told her his brain was busy and would be for a while.

Uhura flicked a quick wink at Carol Marcus who struggled, from her position behind Scotty in the pool, to hide a grin. 

Walking and simultaneously creating neurological damage among her admirers, Uhura dropped her wrap on a lounge chair, returned poolside in a few graceful steps and crossed her legs at the ankles. 

Her dancer’s training clearly in evidence, Uhura languorously bent at the waist and tested the pool water’s temperature with a single finger dragged in a slow, sensuous arc across the water.

 

Over 450 resort guests leaned forward to get a good look at the back of Uhura in that position. Others took in the view from balconies, roof tops and outer space. Resort Security made a small fortune bootlegging the vid to private nets.

 

As a result of the temperature check, all of the following happened - the reported sequence changed based on the viewer’s vantage point:

A major player in the waste management biz clamped his rich, wandering hand firmly on Uhura’s rump. This precipitated a number of subsequent actions.

Uhura rose, enraged, shouting “Oh no you DIDN’T!!” into the face of her assailant.

The bar-fighting beauty swung a haymaker punch at the VIP. 

Spock, now in full Vulcan protector mode (thanks to the grope and the theobromine in the Black Widow’s Kiss), roared out of the pool - growling - to protect his mate, landing cat-like on the pool deck after she threw her first - but not her last - punch of the altercation.

McCoy moved to the side opposite the “show” and took hundreds of pics and vids with his brand new waterproof camera.

 

Although it might mean few or no more credits in Starfleet coffers from the junket, Komack allowed himself to enjoy the scuffle without interfering. Uhura and Spock assaulting civilians could only be good for his plan to court-martial them both back to New Vulcan. Admiral Demented couldn't remember the last time he'd felt this calm without doubling up on his blood pressure meds.

Donal reappeared on the hop at Komack's side, frantic at the threat to his profit-loss statement. As the violence escalated, (human) weasel squeaking punctuated the fight sounds. Donal watched hard-earned credits disappearing in near hysteria; Komack couldn’t have cared less.

 

“Why’reyoustandinghere!? That’s our product! You’re Starfleet - DO SOMETHING!”

“Are you _kidding_? Mr. and Mrs. Spock need to take their marriage _else_ where, as in _out of Starfleet_. And I’ve been trying to get Kirk reassigned to a garbage scow since Nero.

“Today I’m going to get my wish.”

“Areyouanidiot!? We’re losing BILLIONS! TRILLIONS!! You gotta fix this!!”

 

Dissatisfied with Komack’s reaction time, Donal used his super-hero “polecat panic” strength to push Admiral Devious towards the altercation.


	18. Chapter 18

Uhura’s haymaker missed the mark. The lecherous VIP ducked. Her punch, instead, laid the VIP’s bodyguard across Komack’s path. Komack, stumbling and unbalanced from Donal’s push, struggled to achieve balance physically and cosmically. 

Admiral Komack-the-Evil tripped - steadying himself by firmly placing his hands on assets Uhura reserved for Spock (and Kirk, when in a bar in Riverside).

 

Spock, meanwhile, sucker-punched the ducking VIP into the pool and moved on to the next “guest” in the entourage.

The VIP, sputtering and pissed off at the audacity of the punch, came up swinging and hit Kirk - who was rushing to separate Spock from the fracas.

 

“What the fu-”

 

Kirk’s confused interjection got cut off by another fist to his handsome face.

Experienced in playing chin music himself, Kirk executed a left-right cross combo that would’ve made Uhura proud - if she hand’t been busy defending her own ass. 

 

Literally.

 

Scotty reacted immediately to the ambush on Kirk, taking the time to see Carol safely away from the tumult - as if she wasn’t a Starfleet officer. 

 

“Off with ya, lassie. No need to get caught up in this!”

“Monty, Uhura and Spock need our help!” Carol argued, twisting her arm out of his wet grip.

“Go! I’ll take care of’em!” Scotty insisted.

 

Defeated by the Scot’s stubborn intractability, Carol relented. Clearly the brightest of the Enterprise bridge officers, Carol video’d key portions of the riot to help with Mrs. Uhura’s (the lawyer/mother) defense of the Calendar Crew© and her daughter.

With Carol safely on the side opposite the violence, Scotty swam back towards Kirk. His progress was arrested by one of the VIP bodyguards who Uhura had flipped into the pool.

 

“Aye, c’mon laddie! I’ve been itchin’ to hit something since this whole calendar mess started. Too bad you’re not Donal ‘Trum-pay’ - pompous, credit-grubbing horse’s ass!”

 

The shorter man leveled his monstrous opponent with a sch-weet upper cut. Demonstrating a perfect back layout dive, the gorilla landed in the pool bar and knocked  out the Bzzit Khaht bartender.

Having finished his first fight of the day, the Enterprise’s chief engineer turned around to find Komack’s hands fondling Uhura’s breast and the Lieutenant spittin’ mad over the situation.

Scotty’s dislike of Komack was programmed in at the molecular level; he required scant provocation to come to Uhura’s defense. 

Surging out of the pool, he shouted “Get your f’ing hands off that lady!!” in either Irish or Scottish Gaelic and dropped Komack with one of the most beautiful right jabs McCoy had ever photographed.

 

“Scotty! Donal’s hidin’ behind that fake palm tree. Kick his snivelin’ ass back to Earth for me!”

“That’s a prescription I’ll gladly take, Doctor!

“Donal! Let me show you what an ‘old man’ can do to a young bas!”

“NoNoNoNooooooo! It’s not my fault! I’m on you guys' side!”

 

All this came as Donal backpedaled faster than most people run.

 

“Hmmm... This guy’s been run out of a few places.” McCoy speculated while he taped the pursuit.

“No running away today, Donal. Come take your beating like a man!”

 

The Risan police dispatched their youngest and fastest officers to arrest Scotty who’d been lapping the pool deck, trying to initiate a sprinting, screaming Donal Trumpe into the brotherhood of pain.

Uhura, per her quadrant-wide reputation, continued to lift and separate bodyguards, entourage members and VIPs from the terra firma of the pool deck and into the pool and pool bar with a combination of punches and Vulcan nerve pinches. 

In truth, she’d stopped being careful about who she hoisted about 38 bodies ago. This explained how the youngest and oldest members of the Davis family reunion ended up getting up-ended.

Sulu spent a number of anxious minutes dancing his way out of the pool, trying to keep his PADD safe and dry. Chekov had built an entire financial and investment management system into the PADD complete with custom security. Sulu aimed to keep the Calendar Crew’s© hard-earned credits as safe as possible.


	19. Chapter 19

By midnight on Risa -

  

  * the arrested VIPs,
  * their entourages,
  * Donal the Pathetic Polecat,
  * the Topless Beauties,
  * the resort's Zaranite bartender,
  * the so-called Talosian futbol team (really... in the flesh...),
  * the VIPs' bodyguards (including Spock’s unconscious security team),
  * the Calendar Crew© themselves
  * and Nyota Uhura



 

had all been released from jail on their own recognizance thanks to M’Umbha Uhura.

 

Komack remained in the Risan holding cell alone, waiting for his Starfleet-appointed public defender. M’Umbha Uhura and her firm refused to represent Admiral Pinhead.

 


	20. The Aftermath

The parade of plaintiffs and defendants marching into the courtroom irritated the judge. 

 

M’umbha Uhura insisted the hearing start within hours of posting bail for her numerous clients. In addition to Nyota, Spock, Donal Trumpe and a number of high-powered “guests” attending the junket, M’Umbha represented three possible felons - shackled together at the wrists and ankles - named Kirk, Sulu and Scott. Carol Marcus and McCoy trailed behind the group as interested observers and witnesses to the legal comedy.

Some security guard at the court building decided that Kirk, Sulu and Scotty constituted a “clear and present danger”, so they’d been manacled and shackled since arriving for the trial.

Mrs. Uhura’s decision to defend Donal Trumpe ensured her Enterprise clients would get paid every dime she intended to sue the muskrat for.

 

Judge Lawler Everright sighed from the bench. Dragged from a bed somewhere on Risa, he’d arrived at court in his pajamas with an acute case of coitus interruptus. 

 

Mrs. Uhura and the judge had history - legal and personal. 

 

“Let’s get this over with. Let me see your motions to dismiss, M’Umbha.” 

“Thank you, your honor.” the defense attourney beamed at her old nemesis.

 

Nyota got her brains from both parents - but her smile was cloned from her mother. After absorbing M’Umbha Uhura’s secret weapon, Lawler Everright adjusted himself in his chair to restore some “room” in his lounging pants.  

The judge had sense enough to let Counselor Uhura win the easy cases. Most of the defendants were innocent bystanders consumed by the inadvertent scuffle that broke out poolside.

 

“These are in order. I’ll dismiss the cases against Davis, Davis, Davis,...”

 

The Davis family reunion contributed the first 203 defendants. Heirs to a multi-generational mega-fortune and long time clients of the Uhura clan law firm, their 5-million credit emergency retainer would allow M’Umbha time off to promote her son, Edward, to head of the firm, to focus on Nyota’s father, Benjamin Alhamisi Uhura, and to spoil her grandchildren. 

As well as time to discuss the **lack** -of-grandchildren issue with Spock and Nyota.

 

“Where’s the Talosian futbol team - I don’t see them. Bailiff Selscum, notify their embassy that all charges have been dropped and their travel credentials reinstated. And tell them to give our local players a chance next time. Hard to stop players you can’t see. 

 

“Rfstx, ~^>|`’ et. al., Tobor Xes of the Mirror planet, The Topless Beauties Pageant employees et. al., ...”

 

By the time the dismissals had all been read into the public record, the courtroom had cleared considerably.

 

“However, Counselor, I cannot dismiss the charges against the principals in this debacle - namely Nyota Uhura, %*@(^^$% Spock, -”

 

Lawler Everright became the latest bipedal hominid unable to pronounce Spock’s last name.

 

“James T. Kirk, Montgomery Scott, Hikaru Sulu and Donal(d) Trump(e) -”

 

Donal Trumpe became “Donald Trump” from the judge’s mouth - an easy mistake to make given Donal’s history and the fake hair.

 

“Their contribution to the destruction and their cavalier disregard for the public’s safety deserve a public airing. Admiral Komack, has your counsel arrived from Starfleet?”

 

Komack stood alone, handcuffed to a massive bailiff.

 

“No, your honor.”

“Fine. This will be easy - Bailiff Brewzzer, return the Admiral to the holding facility.” 

“Judge, please! I’m a member of Starfleet! 

“I’M an ADMIRAL, damn you!  

“I DEMAND to be released!!

“THIS IS ALL THEIR FAULTS! UHURA AND SPOCK!!!

“KIRK DID THIS!! ASK HIM!!!!”

 

Komack protested with each step away from the judge, forcing the bailiff to apply excessive force to Komack’s exit. 

As Komack’s complaints turned to pleas for Brewzzer to stop twisting him into a pretzel, Brewzzer contemplated his own life - without the career change from xeno-Buddhist monk to bailiff, Brewzzer would’ve missed these experiences. Brewzzer’s philosophy degree came in handy in both professions.

 

“Defendant number one - Ms. Nyota Uhura - please approach the bench and present your testimony.”

 

Nyota’s mother squeezed her daughter’s arm to silence her as they approached the judge together. The ankle-cuffed Calendar Crew© and Donal Trumpe shuffled behind the lawyer and her daughter.

 

“Your honor, my client was sexually assaulted by the defendant - Mr. Gottee. My other clients - Mr.’s Kirk, Sulu, Scott and Trump -”

 

After the grief he’d given her during contract negotiations, M’umbha Uhura chose to consciously mispronounce Donal’s last name as “Trump”.

 

“Hey! That’snotmyname -” 

“Shut up, Donal!” Nyota snapped at him over her shoulder.

 

This close to Nyota’s anger, Donal yipped in terror and hid behind Kirk.

 

“Order in the court! Continue, Mrs. Uhura”

“While a number of foreign DNA prints were identified from the back of Ms. Uhura’s swimsuit, I have unedited video of Mr. Gottee’s actions. His assault on her person preceded all of the others. All of the alleged altercations by my clients occurred in direct response to the assault on my _daughter_.”

 

Even Nyota’s mouth dropped at her mother’s use of the term “daughter”. 

M’Umbha Uhura did not make those kinds of mistakes. With so many Uhura’s in the clan, there’d been no guarantee the judge would understand M’Umbha’s commitment to getting this client cleared of all charges.

[An aside: _On Earth, the Eternal Revenue Service created a special process for handling Uhuras. Thanks to improvements in apps, the agency was only 104 years behind in processing the hundreds of thousands of tax returns the clan and its businesses submitted every six months._ ]

 

Lawler Everright would suffer endlessly if Nyota Uhura were found guilty. The longevity of the clan would keep him, his descendants and his estate in court for generations until the Uhuras bankrupted them.

The change of expression on the judge’s face signaled success. Everright would _never_ jail M’Umbha Uhura’s daughter and risk centuries of courtroom warfare with the Uhura clan.

 

“Is that all, counselor?”

“Yes, your honor. I will trust to the court’s sense of justice and its track record of protecting the innocent.”

 

Counselor Uhura smiled at about the 40% level; Everright got a clue really quickly.

 

“Will Plaintiff number two - who I see is also defendant number seven - approach the bench. I’m sure we can work this all out before my next tee time.”

 

While night-time golf (using glowing balls on bio-luminescent genetically engineered grass) was the rage on Risa, the “driver” Everright intended to use wasn’t in his golf bag - it waited impatiently in his pajama pants.

The judge lifted his eyes over the top of his bifocals to see a human mountain approach the bench in a suit costing more than the judge made in the last decade - even with bribes and payoffs added in.

 

Nyota Uhura stood before the bench, arms folded across her chest, as the rump wrangler sauntered up.


	21. Chapter 21

“Mr. Go- **tee** , is it?”

“No, your honor. I’m Don Gottee. Like “ **Got** -ee”. A man in my position has a lot of stresses. I’m a legitimate businessman just tryin’ to relax here, know what I mean?”

“Don-Don-Don! Youliketoparty? We should talk when you get outta jail! I’m Donal - **Ooofff**!”

 

Kirk’s elbow knocked the air out of Donal’s dealmaking.

 

Don “The Titanium John” Gottee had a reputation around the quadrant. Sexual harassment charges followed him around like tax collectors. Gottee ran a disposal business - disposing of waste, sewage, competitors, rivals, in-laws, lawyers...

 

“Mr. Gottee, tell me what happened at the resort.”

“Your honor, I’m a hard workin’ businessman. I pay for me and my family -”

 

The judged interrupted the testimony to ask a pertinent question.

 

“Was your family poolside when this happened?”

“Uh... You could say that.”

 

Gottee leaned into the bench and lowered his booming voice.

 

“I meant my _other_ family. I’d like to keep that quiet, if you understand me.”

 

The judge got it; his own “vacation” wife lived in Rixx on Betazed.

 

“Continue, Mr. Gottee.”

“I shell out 900-large [900,000 credits] for tickets for me, my lady and my staff to get all-access passes to this shindig.”

 

Gottee’s “staff” lined the courtroom walls, dressed in expensive - and ill-fitting - suits that bulged in all the wrong places.

 

“900-large!?!? Don-baby you and I gotta do lunch - **OWWWW**!!!”

 

Sulu surreptitiously slung his manacle chain into a tender part of Donal, stemming the social networking behaviors. 

 

“We’re making our way to the pool,” Gottee continued, “when I see this Uhura broad bent over. Judge, you hadda be there. The all-access pass said everything was at my disposal - and I’m a guy who knows about disposal - I’m on Risa, right? 

“So I used my pass to get my hands on her ass.”

“Rumor has it, it was worth the beatin’ Uhura’s gettin’ ready to give him.” McCoy whispered to Carol Marcus from the galley.

“And who - other than Mr. Spock - would have that knowledge, Doctor?” Carol whispered back with a disapproving stare.

“Privileged medical information. I’ll never tell.” McCoy closed down that line of discussion before Mrs. Spock kicked his southern ass next.

 

Nyota Uhura spun towards Gottee, striking her Dim Mak self-defense position.

 

“My ass wasn’t part of the entertainment!”

“It was sittin’ right there.” Gottee explained, “How was I supposed to know you wasn’t part of my ticket? I mean - LOOK at her, judge. Tappin’ that ass was worth the money. You woulda tapped that, wouldn’t ya judge?”

 

Back when both were young lawyers hopping from planet to planet to make a reputation, Everright made the mistake of trying Gottee’s “hands-on” introduction with M’Umbha Uhura. The young Lawler apparently mistook the younger M’Umbha for his wife.

 

When it rained, Everright’s jaw still ached.


	22. Chapter 22

Spock, having now confirmed that the handprint on Uhura's aesthetically pleasing gluteus maximus was indeed Don Gottee's, made his way to the back of the room. In seconds, muscular businessmen in too-small suits started hitting the floor.

 

Enthralled with Uhura's ass in that short Starfleet micro-skirt, Gottee reached out and groped Nyota Uhura again.

 

Uhura's - and her mother's - eyes turned to slits. Projecting her voice over the growing fracas, Counselor Uhura shouted her ultimatum.

 

"Judge, I DEMAND a summary judgement for Ms. Uhura! Mr. Gottee just assaulted my daughter again!"

"I have eyes, Counselor. Mr. Gottee -" the judge warned.

 

Uhura reverted to bar fight mode.

 

"Not here, Lieutenant. Remember where we are." Kirk softly warned her, with no hope of stopping the carnage about to occur. The wrist and ankle manacles he shared with Sulu and Scotty prevented him from preventing her from hurting a lot of "businessmen".

 

The judge failed to understand the significance of Uhura's move towards Gottee but the Enterprise officers recognized her Wonder Woman martial arts stance and took a giant step sideways - forcing Donal onto the floor.

 

"Watchit, ya goons!"

 

Scotty's heel rocketed backwards and the noise from the two-legged rodent on the floor stopped.

Moving away from the judge's bench, Gottee lumbered in Spock's direction, reaching for the bulge in the breast pocket of his suit jacket, when a foot landed in a very sensitive area of his body.

 

"What the hell!?"

 

Gottee stood upright and pissed off, notwithstanding Uhura's forceful kick to his groin.

 _Oh, snap!_  Nyota thought.

She recalculated her Dim Mak counter move, factoring in the possibility that Gottee only  _appeared_  to be human.

 

"Dammit, Carol - we got trouble!" McCoy announced.

"Right you are, Doctor. I'll take Nyota. You take the mountain." Carol directed on the run.

 

Gottee's failure to pass out brought Carol Marcus and McCoy at a dead run from the audience galley. Carol would back up Nyota. McCoy extracted his always-available hypospray from a pocket and aimed himself at Gottee.

 

"Yeah -," the gangster drawled to a shocked Nyota Uhura, "- you're not the first broad that's tried that. Got my family jewels in a custom case."

 

The kick had one unexpected benefit; it arrested Gottee's response to Spock's elimination of his henchman.

The disposal expert returned his attention to Nyota. Uhura backed away one careful step at a time. With an arm, she protectively pushed her protesting parent out of her path.

Gottee smirked, appreciating the younger Uhura's feistiness.

 

"You got spunk, kid. What I'd like to  **do**  to that body... Come to daddy, honey."

"Order in the court!-" Everright shouted, tapping the gavel sound effect icon on his PADD over and over again to regain some sense of decorum.


	23. Chapter 23

The judge's next words were drowned out by the growling Vulcan maelstrom headed towards the bench. Spock's sensitive hearing picked up his mother-in-law's confirmation that Gottee had once again placed his DNA on one of Spock's few possessions.

 

Carol jumped the decorative railing separating the galley from the court proceedings. McCoy slid along the railing's top, swinging his legs over. Both got tangled in the shackle chains trailing Kirk, Sulu and Scott. Neither arrived at their agreed-to destinations before the next violent encounter between the Lieutenant and the Businessman.

The Enterprise's "three amigos" had worked their way nearer to Nyota and were desperately trying to intervene in her behalf. Oblivious to the movement around them, they scooted and shuffled their fettered feet directly into Spock's path.

At a dead run, the possessive Vulcan husband's momentum took the Enterprise perps down with him. Entangled in the chains, Carol Marcus and McCoy tumbled as well. Spock's greater mass - and the cuffs on his crew mates' wrists and ankles - made it impossible for them to participate in the short Uhura-Gottee altercation about to occur.

Donal's muffled screams barely penetrated the pile of Enterprise officers crushing his chest. No one attempted to rescue him as he nearly suffocated under the weight.

 

Nyota's next kick hit Don Gottee square in his head where one brain cell wandered lonely and forlorn.

 

The courtroom shook like a planet-quake from the impact tremor of Gottee's bulk hitting the floor.

 

"Who's your daddy now, punk?" Uhura gloated over the unconscious businessman.

 

Judge Everright moved quickly to restore order to his courtroom and peace to Risa. Exercising his judicial privilege, Everright concluded the proceedings post haste.

 

"Cases against Ms. Uhura, whatever-his-name-is Spock, Donald Trump, James Kirk and Hikaru Sulu are dismissed.

"Summary judgement against Montgomery Scott is assault with provocation in defense of Ms. Uhura. Misdemeanor offense satisfied by his time served in the holding cell. Record to be expunged in six Fed. Standard months if he stays away from Risa and out of my courtroom.

"Seal all records until Mr. Scott's probation is over then burn'em. I never want to see any of you in this courtroom again. M'Umbha - you're welcome any time.

"Please remand Mr. Gottee to custody when he wakes up. I'll sort out his situation at a decent hour.

"Court adjourned."

 

Mrs. Uhura smiled at him, all 1000-watts. Lawler Everright - and quite a few observers - lost time in that smile.

 

"Always a pleasure, Lawler. Come by the compound the next time you're Earth-side."


	24. 3--

Spock piloted the shuttle back to the Enterprise.

 

Sarek, having been briefed by Uhura's mother, graciously provided  _private_ Vulcan transportation to reduce any further diplomatic entanglements en route. Word of Spock's clothing issues - as in keeping his clothes on in public - hit the news feeds on New Vulcan weeks ago; Sarek's inbox was inundated with meeting requests for his rock star son. Vulcan surrogacy volunteers for non-Pon Farr insemination by Spock skyrocketed.

 

M'Umbha Uhura bid a fond farewell to all at the spaceport as did Carol Marcus.

 

Carol would rejoin the Enterprise in three days; she represented the Enterprise at a Starfleet conference on the " _Effectiveness of Hand-to-Hand Combat Training for Starfleet's Female Officers_ ". Carol would present a case study on Nyota Uhura. With eye witness accounts and victim affidavits.

 

Chekov would double as helmsman another few days while Sulu remained incognito on Risa. With M'Umbha's encouragement, Sulu and fifteen civil claimants negotiated paid settlements in a padded room with time locks and security outside the door.

There would be no escapees and, if no settlement was reached before the locks opened, no living witnesses.

 

Sulu and Mrs. Uhura worked out a payout-limited counteroffer from the Swimsuit Squad© to the aggrieved resorts, souvenir manufacturers, security companies, server admin unions, explosives providers (only on Gorn), Gottee Enterprise (an ironic name in the disposal business with either a missing plural or a missing possessive "s"), alcohol distillers (for lost sales) and the Risa Sex Trade Workers' Cooperative (for lost sales, missing and damaged clients and unfair competition). Sulu now used the group's less-well-known legal name, hoping no one suing them would realize the money still belonged to the same defendants.

Sulu's initial settlement offer from the Enterprise officers? "Not  **one**  damn credit".

 

Exhausted (and probably bankrupt), not one of the left over Calendar Crew© considered the consequences of placing Nyota Uhura and Donal Trumpe on the same transport - there were, after all, 25 empty seats to choose from on  **each**   **side**  of the center aisle.

Donal recapped the Enterprise swimsuit calendar disaster within Uhura's hearing from his aisle seat nestled not two full rows behind Uhura's in the lavish Vulcan shuttle craft.

Donal needed to make better choices.

 

"All's well that ends with credits, Ialwayssay. You agree, Uhura?"

 

Donal missed her low growl and her repositioning away from his side of the shuttle. She retrieved a soft, Vulcan-made blanket from the under-seat storage and covered herself to filter the static escaping Donal's mouth.

 

"You shoulda warned me about Spock's babe magnetism, youknow?"

 

Forbearance gone, Uhura couldn't let Donal's last comment go - the idea that Spock's personal gifts being on display to the universe - regular and mirror - was somehow her fault.

 

"Mr. Trumpe, had you not modified those images, there wouldn't have  ** _been_**  a problem."

"C'mon-C'mon-C'mon Uhura - ya gotta admit even your mother wouldn't have bought the calendar with his equipment buried in that Vulcan pelvic toolbox he carries around.

"You shoulda warned me, Uhura. We coulda avoided all these expenses. NothatI'm angry, it's only credits, seewhatImean?"

 

Heavy breathing from Uhura's side of the aisle confirmed the ongoing battle between her control and her temper.

 

"Hon, now, don't you listen to him - he's an idiot; we all know that."

 

McCoy's words from directly behind Uhura soothed her; her breathing slowed and lightened.

 

"Cowardly bugger, too, lass." Scotty yawned from his seat in front of Donal on the opposite side of the shuttle, "I must've chased that git for nigh on 20 minutes."

 

Her mother showed her the vids of Scotty bearing down on the frantic calendar producer as Donal screamed his bloody head off.

Gentle chuckling came back to the Enterprise's doctor and chief engineer before all hell broke loose.

 

"It'sokay-It'sokay-It'sokay, Uhura. I forgive you for screwing up the junket and costing us millions."

"Oh, shit!" McCoy exclaimed, surging out of his seat to stop Uhura when her blanket hit the aisle floor.

"Uhura - you don't wanna do this, darlin'!"

"Ohhh yes I do, Leonard!"

 

McCoy stepped into the aisle, using his straightened arms to impede her forward progress.

 

It would have worked if Donal had kept his mouth shut.

 

"If I was Spock, I'd be  **pret** -ty pissed off at losing all those creds. I'da been out dipping  **my**  banana in  _other_  chocolate, ifI'mmakin'sense.

"He still playing 'hide the Vulcan fire hose' with you, Uhura?"

 

Uhura lunged over a seat to bypass McCoy and get her hands on Donal. Scotty, who'd nodded off, caught her in his lap.

 

"Lassie, he's not worth the trouble! Let it be!"

 

Uhura worked out five days a week  _with a Vulcan_. Scotty's hold on her wouldn't keep a Vulcan toddler from getting loose. Using Scotty's lap as a spring board, Uhura vaulted partway to the seat directly behind the frantic Scotsman.

 

Only one small leap stood between Donal and Death by Crazy Lady.


	25. -2-

"Geez, Uhura, whaddaya getting so upset about? I just asked -  ** _GETHEROFFME_**!"

 

The top half of Uhura pinned the top half of Donal to his seat while she bitch-slapped him silly. Scotty held her bottom half for dear life.

 

"McCoy - don't just stand there, hypo her!"

 

Grabbing his ever-present hypo, McCoy reached over to press it to her leg simultaneous to Uhura's leg-freeing kick.

Scotty lost his grip and his consciousness when the hypo buried itself in his neck and  _not_  in Uhura's thigh. The sleeping Scot melted onto the aisle floor, peaceful as a new babe.

 

"Scotty! Scotty! Wake up, man, I need some help!"

 

Light slaps by McCoy to Scotty's face only served to loll his head from side to side.

Laid out on the floor, the Scotman's expression held a pleasant smile in unconsciousness. Scotty slept with Princess Prozac. The princess resembled Carol Marcus in Scotty's hypo'd head.

Clamoring down the aisle hypo-less, McCoy tried to manhandle Uhura into submission while Donal continued to commit ritual suicide with his mouth.

 

"Don't take your screw-up out on me, Uhura!"

"I'm not; I'm taking my anger out on you for getting my mate into this hot mess in the  **first**  place. You weren't planning on having kids, were you?" she asked, eyeing Donal's second favorite possession (his wallet being the first).

"Naw; kids are expen - saaayyy, wait a minute. You wouldn't -  **HELP!**!"

 

Uhura's ill-timed knockout punch missed Donal's ducking head and tattooed McCoy. The good doctor went night-night over the prone form of his new best friend, the Chief Engineer.

 

Donal finally stopped talking - except to scream like a little girl for Kirk or Spock to save him. Uhura leered, executing the next step in her plan to methodically dismember Donal Trumpe. Always thorough in completing her projects, Uhura seriously considered using Gottee's services for post-dismemberment Donal-disposal.

 

Hearing the commotion, Spock abandoned the shuttle controls to break up the skirmish. The lanky Vulcan crawled with increasing inefficiency through spaces meant for maintenance techs Keenser's height and his mate's girth.

 

"Whazzamatter with you, you batty broad!? You and Spock made out okay! That witch law-"

 

Uhura climbed over the top of a seat to lay a hard left to Donal's jaw.

 

Scared out of his mind, Donal the Mole-Rat crawled under and between seats in the shuttle to escape murder in a short skirt.

 

"Kirk! Saveme-saveme-saveme! She's insane, like her mother!"

 

Kirk abandoned the co-pilot seat to help Spock chase after Uhura as she stalked Donal over and under seats and storage bulkheads. Taking the other side of the shuttle, Kirk quickly found himself as encumbered by his bulk as Spock.

 

"Lieutenant!" Kirk barked.

"Not today, Captain! I'm on medical leave for extreme emotional stress! Ask your CMO when he wakes up!"

 

McCoy's return from la-la land would require more time...

 

"Spock - nerve pinch her or something!" Kirk commanded.

"Spock-Spock-Spock! You gotta control your maniac wi-"

 

Another perfect left caught Donal at his temple, rendering him temporarily loopy.

 

"It'll be fine," the concussed Donal sing-songed as he twirled like a ballerina down the aisle towards hell in heels, "I converted some of the payouts to latinum and stored them in..."

 

Spock and Kirk accelerated their desperate scrambles over the seats, vainly trying to stop a mercy killing. Much larger than Nyota, they continued to struggle in the cramped spaces.

Until bigger problems erupted.

No one was flying the shuttle...

 

Approaching a heavily trafficked section of alpha quadrant, the proximity sensors shrieked in panic at each near miss by an asteroid or spacecraft. Too many potential impacts confused the shuttle's collision avoidance system.

In his haste to save his Comm Chief from serious jail time and his First Officer from domestic violence, Kirk forgot to engage the auto-pilot.

Pilotless, the emergency response AI began to shut down non-essential systems - like the artificial gravity.

 

Captain and First Officer crashed into each other as they weightlessly bobbed their way back to the pilot's area. Donal floated lonely as a cloud towards Armageddon in sexy boots. Scotty and McCoy looked like Peter Pan and Wendy as they slowly ascended between the shuttle's seats. McCoy banged against the ceiling, cushioning Scotty below him.

A sudden shuttle roll slammed the top of Uhura's head against a support, spinning stars before her eyes. The pain spurred her on.

 

Kirk and Spock watched in fear as a huge asteroid approached. Experienced hands skittered over the console touchpad to regain control of the craft as they floated above their seats.

Surrounded by debris and other shuttlecraft, they fought the tiny craft to find a path away from decompression and destruction.

Once clear of imminent annihilation, gravity returned with a finger swipe on the control display and the two officers dropped awkwardly into the pilot chairs. McCoy landed back on Scotty, the snoring Scot returning the favor from their ceiling trip.

 

Uhura finally nerve pinched Trumpe as his not-quite weightless body passed her on its way to the floor. Donal - with the luck of the Irish (and the Talosians) - avoided any further damage to his anatomy, sinking delicately backwards onto a mattress made up of Scotty and McCoy.

 

That's when the "Collision Imminent" klaxon startled her and...


	26. --1

She woke up in their bed on the Enterprise to the nerve-jarring sounds of the chrono alarm...

 

...and  ** _not_**  in the shuttle.


	27. The Truth

"OH!"

 

Uhura shot straight up in their bed, visions of the court hearing and the shuttle trip swimming in her eyes as nausea swam around her insides. Rolling and sliding to a standing position, she sprinted to the facilities and left whatever she'd tried to eat before her nap in the commode.

When she exited the bathroom after cleaning up, Spock met her with a tall glass of cool ginger ale - the real stuff - and concern.

 

"Why didn't you wake me? What a dream!"

 

Spock's reticence to answer narrowed her dark, soulful eyes into slits.

 

"You're shielding," she accused.

 

While the casual observer might consider Spock's present expression placid, anyone familiar with Vulcans understood his dilemma. Calculating the answer with the highest probability of keeping them in the same bed required time, even for a genius.

 

"K'diwa, I underestimated the vivid nature or telepathic power of your dreams. My commitment to your welfare -"

 

Not a single lie emerged in all those technicalities.

 

"Spohkh, it's fine. Sometimes my dreams confuse me too, ashayam."

 

Approaching his outstretched hand, she took the offered drink in one of her own and sipped cautiously before stroking his cheek lightly with the back of her other hand.

Their bond told him her disobedient stomach enjoyed the ginger ale.

 

"Do you wish to share your dream with me, k'diwa?"

"Just read it through our bond, silly." she playfully chided, walking slowly into their living area.

"Ashayam?" she nudged him to get more information.

 

Spock joined her on the couch, settling her across his lap where he could massage her recently taxed stomach muscles.

 

"If it would not tire you, I would ask that you share this with me."

 

The tears in her eyes unnerved Spock. He was still collecting and processing data on her recent moods.

Spock might be the only Vulcan alive capable of hope - and right now he hoped desperately that her feelings were touched by his request and not that his wife's evil twin was about to rain misery down on him. Again.

 

"As you wish, beloved.

"It started when Jim got a call from Komack about posing for a swimsuit calendar with you, Jim, McCoy, Scotty and Sulu..."


	28. Chapter 28

Spock anxiously shielded, until Uhura fell deeply asleep, before joining Kirk and McCoy in Kirk's quarters.

 

The First Officer noted with satisfaction the quality installation of Kirk's display screen; in all the commotion he'd forgotten to commend his science and Scotty's engineering team for their work. To assuage Kirk's display envy, the captain's screen measured slightly larger than Uhura's.

 

"She asleep?" Jim asked as he entered the living area from his bedroom wearing only jeans while towel-drying his hair.

"Yes. Her tonsure hematoma has diminished considerably as well."

"How's the concussion?" McCoy inquired while opening Uhura's med file on his PADD for additional entries.

"Nyota awoke and immediately experienced emesis -"

"You mean she threw up, right? Kirk asked.

 

A sigh escaped the exhausted Vulcan. Right now, too many personalities required management for his tastes.

 

"Yes. I provided the effervescent restorative and the emesis did not return. Thank you, Dr. McCoy, for that information."

"Ginger has been used as a folk remedy for a long time on Earth, Spock. I'd keep some of that soda around in your quarters; she's got a history of bad stomachs."

 

The sounds of Kirk's door hissing softly were followed by sounds of Sulu and Scotty taking seats.

 

"So what does she remember?" Kirk asked.

"Everything."

 

Scotty's mouth formed a thin line.

 

"Well, lads? It was worth a try. Carol's not spoken with her since -"

"What are you worried about, Commander? Uhura didn't threaten to castrate you or McCoy." Sulu whimpered while crossing his legs protectively.

"Aye, 'tis an interesting method of increasing female bridge officers. I'll give'er that."

"I did not finish -" Spock interrupted, "- she remembers everything but believes it to be a dream."

 

The hooting and yelling and celebrating around him reminded Spock again that he was proud to be only  _half_  human.

 

"As long as she is not exposed to the offending products, the mind meld and this plan may yet succeed as hoped for."

"Dr. Uhura came up with a winner." Kirk agreed heartily, "Man, I'd love to know what Uhura's mother told him about our situation. I'm just glad her father agreed that Nyota needed to 'forget' some of this."

 

Kirk grinned at the success of their disaster recovery plan.

Spock, with blessings and encouragement from his psychiatrist father-in-law, muted (but did not remove) Nyota's memories of the Calendar Crew© activities through a mind meld. Once Donal disposed of the offending goods and Sulu fixed their finances, Nyota would be none the wiser and, therefore, less dangerous to be around on the Enterprise.

 

"I remain ethically troubled at my role in this memory modification and deception." Spock confessed to the room.

"Do you want to be divorced?" Kirk shot at him.

"No. Neither do I wish to sleep on your couch for the remaining 3.7481536 years of our five-year mission. Nyota has always expressed a preference for company in bed."

"If that's all you need, I can help you out anytime." Kirk offered solicitously.

 

The room went silent. McCoy noisily retrieved his ever-present med-kit.

 

"Captain?"

"Yes, Spock?"

"I sense a bout of emotional compromise coming on. You are its focus."

 

Spock's expression gave Kirk pause about offering up further services to Uhura.

 

"I was just kidding, Spock! If Donal and Komack do their jobs, we should all survive your wife's temper."

 

Kirk delivered this supposition as a supplication to his prank-prone cosmic protectors.


	29. Chapter 29

As if on cue, Kirk's display auto-started with the faces of a morose Donal Trumpe and a chastened Admiral James Komack.

 

"Gentlemen," Kirk greeted them, "let's wrap this up and get back to our former lives."

"Amen to that!" Scotty toasted with the single malt scotch Kirk now kept alongside the bourbon in his quarters.

"Admiral Komack, have you completed your assignments?"

 

Kirk grinned in consideration of the work Komack had been forced into handling to keep his commission in Starfleet.

Komack grimaced at the smug smirk on Kirk's face. Completing his Starfleet career by retiring rather than with a court-martial meant surrendering to the most undisciplined, the most embarrassing, the most... irritating misfits in  _his_  fleet.

This, Komack concluded in utter despair, was no way to run an armada.

Weary of supervising these "children", Komack began what he  _hoped_  would be the last interaction he'd ever have with them. As Starfleet's punishment for his role in this cock-up, Komack became the new head of student recruitment for Starfleet Academy.

 

"I've confirmed that the Enterprise accounts on New Vulcan have been restored - after legal fees and payments for damages, you'll have a three-year cushion

"Working with Mrs. Uhura - a fine woman - we've convinced a judge to overturn that civil case so no more liability payments will be needed. There might even be a refund of some of the credits."

 

At the "eleventh hour", M'Umbha Uhura consented to represent Komack at his hearing on Risa. Returning to Starfleet HQ, she defended Komack and Scotty during their joint court-martial hearing. Scotty's defense and exoneration took 15 minutes - including a 5-minute photo-video montage of the assault compiled by Dr. Leonard McCoy M.D. and Dr. Carol Marcus, Ph.D.

Komack's tribunal hearing took days - after Donal Trumpe testified that the calendar idea belonged solely to Komack. Komack's open handprint could still be seen on the back of Donal's balding head.

M'Umbha Uhura saved Komack's career by reminding the admirals on the tribunal that court-martialing Komack would require returning all that calendar-generated free money in Starfleet coffers to Donal Trumpe. That realization reduced deliberations to two minutes.

 

On the telecon, the group missed Donal's objections to Komack's assessment of M'Umbha Uhura because Kirk muted the comm to provide editorial comments.

 

"I have to tell you - Komack working with Uhura's mother must've been scary to watch."

"I'm surprised Komack survived it." McCoy commented, closing Nyota's medical file after returning her to duty in five days.

 

While Komack pantomimed an explanation of his valiant efforts on the muted screen, Sulu explained the relationship.

 

"Komack is crushing on Uhura's mother."

 

Scotty spilled a tall glass of 300-year-old single malt scotch on McCoy.

 

"Say what!?" McCoy got out, unaffected by the wet cold seeping down his leg.

"Komack's junior adjutant graduated my year." Sulu explained, "Komack has this guy finding reasons to call Mrs. Uhura then transferring the calls to Komack.

"Look behind his desk -" Sulu pointed to the high-resolution display.

 

Spock's fingers zoomed the image in.

Scotty, squinting even at this magnification, spoke for them all.

 

"Damn!"

 

Admiral Amorous' wall now sported pictures of himself with M'umbha Niobi Uhura, most in professional circumstances but some at working lunches and dinners.

 

"Is Komack married?" a curious Scotty threw to the room.

"No - but Mrs. Uhura sure is. Happily." Kirk filled in.

"Ben Uhura will murder Komack and they won't discover how because I'll perform the autopsy in Abby's lab in Georgia."

"That will not be necessary, Doctor. The Uhura-Wakenfuzi compound is situated in a nature preserve. A visit by Admiral Komack can be arranged. I am sure my father-in-law can find some carrion eaters who would lower their quality standards."

 

The room broke into raucous laughter at Spock's suggestion.


	30. Chapter 30

"Admiral Romeo's slowin' down. Unmute it." McCoy warned as he refilled for himself and Scotty.

 

Scotty named McCoy his new best mate. McCoy's pics kept Scotty out of the brig and on the Enterprise.

 

Impeccable "unmute" timing brought the most significant concession to their ears.

 

"Effective immediately the Enterprise is exempt from the no-families rule because of its deep space mission. I withdrew my objection -"

"With Mrs. Uhura's foot up your a-" Scotty spoke into his refilled scotch.

"- after extensive discussions with M'umbha - I mean, Mrs. Uhura. She was quite persuasive."

"Probably," Kirk chuckled, "because she wants grandchildren."

"Nyota has 72 first cousins." Spock added, conversationally.

"72, Spock!?"

 

The first officer's Vulcan smile reminded Kirk of what went on in Spock and Uhura's quarters after hours.  _For_  hours.

 

"Yes, Jim. There are a lot of Uhuras for a  _reason_."

"Don't gloat, Spock."

 

McCoy's hand-waving got Kirk's attention again.

 

"Shhh! Komack's gettin' to the best part. Unmute it!"

"You have permission," Admiral Defeated relented, "to use that day care and school facility and to hire childcare staff as long as Starfleet doesn't see an increase in your payroll."

"Doctor? Let our married couples know before they start submitting transfers or resignations."

"Will do, Jim."

 

Kirk muted the display again.

 

"Any pregnancies yet, Bones?"

 

McCoy couldn't pass up the opening.

 

"I dunno. Any pregnancy yet, Spock?"

 

The green tint to Spock's upper body satisfied McCoy.

 

"None officially - but Uhura's off for the next five days so there's still a chance you and I will win that pool, Jim."

 

The room dissolved into laughter at Spock's expense - although every man there would have  _gladly_  sacrificed himself to get Uhura pregnant in the next five days.

Except Scotty.


	31. Chapter 31

Swiping the unmute icon with a knuckle, Kirk addressed his next comments to the other guilty party.

 

"Donal! How's the mop-up coming?"

"Alright-alright-alright! I'm losing TRILLIONS here and do I get any sympathy? NO! youheartlessS-O-B..."

"I'm sorry for you, Donal. You helped us out and things haven't worked out for you." Kirk diplomatically acknowledged without attributing blame to its true source.

 

Apparently the dolls were  _too_  anatomically correct; each reacted to stimulus. Kids couldn't dress the dolls up without causing... natural  _responses_.

Mothers' groups sued to keep the dolls off the shelves.

Spock, Kirk, Sulu, Spirk and Skirk fandoms counter-sued to keep the dolls on the shelves. And to get life-sized versions with moveable parts.

Donal claimed ignorance and blamed the manufacturers.

 

"Donal, what's your net after fees and damages?" Sulu asked, typing furiously into his PADD.

"None-ya, yougreedyassassin!

"I kept my end of the deal. All the dolls I could get my hands on have been destroyed. I shut down the authorized factories and the servers on Earth, Betazed, Velara, Arachnis, Panther and Gorn."

 

Donal left out his "inability" to shut down the  _unauthorized_ servers on Ferenginar, Cardassia and Talos IV (since the planet was uninhabited - regardless of the calendars rolling off the unattended servers and onto the 'net) and his trove of hidden latinum stashed on Ferenginar.

 

"BecauseI'mawesomelikethat, I spread some cred and got the junket records sealed. Now will you  ** _please_**  get that pit bull lawyer Mumbles Uhura off my ass, thankyouverymuch!?"

"M'Umbha -" Spock corrected.

"What? You say something, Spock?" Donal whined back to the screen.

"My mother-in-law's first name; it is 'M'Umbha'"

"I don't care if her first name is Rhumba, get'er dancin' ass offa me! She's bad for business."

"Good for her clients, though, lads."

 

After the ordeal he'd been through, Scotty figured he'd earned a dig or two at Donal.

 

"So, Donal... I'm guessing you lost a bundle on this calendar." McCoy prodded.

"I'mheretotellya, you have no idea how much. Next time I work with you guys we're leaving Starfleet out of it - that'sthetruth."

 

Komack defended himself and his beloved Starfleet in a booming baritone.

 

"Mr. Trumpe - any problems with this effort -"

 

Donal was through fluffing Komack.

 

"Shut it, Jimmy K.! I gotta pic of you manhandling some Uhura ta-tas belonging to Spock.

"Never figured you for the type, Jimmy K, but I've seen you with your tongue hanging out for Uhura's mother. Keeping it in the family, areya? You grabbed her mother's ass yet?"

 

Komack's blood pressure spike lit the alarm on McCoy's PADD. Starfleet Medical would be arriving shortly.

 

"Gotta go, guys! I'll be in touch!"

 

Wall suddenly replaced Donal face.


	32. Chapter 32

"What'ya got for us, Sulu?"

 

Carol Marcus quietly entered Jim's quarters, appearing pale and apologizing with a look for being late. Tapping sounds stopped and the helmsman smiled at the collected group.

 

"Starfleet and the Federation kept most of the credits we donated - thanks to Mrs. Uhura. So did the Vulcan Remnant fund.

"Even though we eventually won, it's been costly - especially defending Mr. Scott's court-martial. Add in the product liability claims from the dolls..."

"We got trashed financially - but..."

 

Sulu did devious better than anyone on the bridge.

 

"I managed, with Uhura's mother's help, to divert some funds when Gottee's civil verdict got overturned; we also got an anonymous donation to the Enterprise rainy day fund."

"Who donated?" Kirk asked.

"You're the only genius I know who can't define the word 'anonymous'."

 

McCoy's sarcasm hit its target.

 

"This is confidential. Mrs. Uhura kicked in some of her fees from the other Risa defendants and the settlement from the Risan government for false imprisonment of her daughter to the Enterprise fund and us.

"So we'll each come out of this with all our bills paid -"

"Hallelujah!"

 

McCoy would be solvent and debt free for the first time since his 6th birthday.

 

"- and about 100,000 credits each. Except Spock - he and Uhura will get about half a million credits after the Risan settlement."

"I will pay my mother-in-law's fees from our share."

"She said you'd try that. She told me to tell you -"

 

Sulu looked down to read the phrase verbatim from his PADD.

 

" - and I quote 'Pay me back by making babies - I intend to win that pool Hikaru told me about'."

 

The flush that hadn't cleared from Spock's head and face darkened as his "friends" lost it to laughter yet again.

Carol dropped her PADD. She wasn't laughing.

 

"Lassie, are you alright?"

 

Leaning over, Carol reached for the PADD then bolted for Jim's bathroom.

Five perplexed men suddenly became one perplexed man being stared at by four friends who'd just got a clue.

 

"What?" Scotty responded to the looks, arms up to communicate his confusion.

 

With a droll twinkle in his unemotional eyes, Spock explained the most probable future.

"It would appear, Mr. Scott, that Nyota will win the offspring pool and that you will soon require larger quarters."


	33. The Repercussions

Calm returned to the Enterprise and quietude to the Communications department with the return of Nyota Uhura to her post on the bridge.

Ever an observer of the human condition, McCoy noted -

 

"Life's what happens while you're plannin' to do something else..."

 

It could be said, therefore, that life "hit" each of the former swimsuit models while they were plannin' to keep Uhura in the dark.


	34. --Scotty--

Despite Carol's protestations, Scotty panicked daily - often hourly - at the possibility of impending fatherhood. At Kirk's insistence, the Chief Engineer and Keenser had already moved into larger quarters.

Scotty had yet to figure out how to explain the baby to Keenser or Keenser's presence in their new quarters to Carol Marcus. Carol remained unaware that she was even moving. Scotty's "special relationship" with Carol (which remained the worst kept secret on the Enterprise - besides Jim's teddy bear) had always manifested itself in  _her_  quarters.

Despite his reputation for being the moral compass of the bridge staff, Scotty took the liberty of adding a third bedroom to their new quarters so that Keenser wouldn't have to share with the baby. Scotty hoped that would avoid Keenser seeing Carol in her normal non-choice of sleepwear.

Carol refused for the umpteenth time to see McCoy and insisted her symptoms could all be attributed to the Ferengi Gravidity Pox. Through tears and a vicious temper, she insisted Scotty confirm the outbreak himself as she needed to throw up. The pox gave its female victims all the symptoms of pregnancy - the single, raised pox itself resembling a small baby bump - without the offspring. Male victims experienced bouts of insufferable pride about their malehood and fertility.

Fortunately, males with the pox were sterile until the infection ran its course. In this way, Mother Nature protected herself from the rapid production of new lives doomed to low intelligence.

Why Scotty's queries to the conference authorities - and McCoy's attempts to transfer Carol's treatment records - got delayed three weeks remained inexplicable by the Communications Department staff.


	35. --McCoy--

"Transporter Room 1 to Dr. McCoy."

"McCoy here, dammit!"

McCoy's out-and-out hatred of transporter technology extended to its carbon-based components - otherwise known as transporter techs.

"You have visitors who require an escort."

"Got my arm a foot deep up a man's intestines. They can wait! McCoy out!"

 

An hour later, the captain swung out of his quarters heading for the Mess Hall and met a disgruntled Leonard McCoy hustling to Transporter Room 1. Not that disgruntled was unusual.

 

"Is this you're doin', Jim? 'Cause I'm in no mood for one of your juvenile pranks."

"What are you pissed off about? What prank? When's the last time you had a drink - you need a pick-me-up?"

"You didn't invite someone embarassing to see me? As a joke?"

"No. You'd hypo me if I did."

Both men drained of color.

"You want me to go with you?"

"Yes, I do. I'm afraid, Jim."

"So am I."

 

Two hours after entering Transporter Room 1 with his captain, McCoy returned lugging crates that clinked. Placing the crates on the empty transporter pads became increasingly difficult as their weight and the doctors tears increased the agony.

No man should have to experience something this traumatic while sober - and yet, that's what Leonard McCoy was; stone, cold sober.

 

"Lenny, trust me. You'll be a better man and a better doctor when all this is gone."

 

This encouragement came from Abby McCoy, Leonard's third ex-wife and absolute crush, who smiled gently while rubbing her ex-husband's protesting back and shoring up his protesting will.

Behind Abby came Jim Kirk, carrying similar crates and crying just as hard.

In her ex-wifely wisdom, Abby decided to address Lenny's alcohol consumption head on - by insisting he relinquish his stash. To ensure Lenny couldn't replenish from any on-board supplies, Abby cajoled Lenny into forcing Jim Kirk to abandon his stash as well.

When Kirk complained about McCoy's domestic issues affecting the captain's own inventory of quality bourbon, Bones informed Kirk of the number of childhood immunizations missed thanks to his asshole step-father. While not strictly required for his job as captain, most competent physicians recommended all children have them.

Then McCoy revealed Abby's knowledge of said oversights.

Finally, with a sigh and an apology, Lenny revealed how many hypos it would take to remediate this oversight over the six-month period Abby would be on-board for her practicum.

As these were  ** _all_**  pediatric issues, Abby would become Kirk's attending physician.

 

"You ever been killed with kindness, Jim?"

"Can't say I have, Bones."

"Abby can do it. She a 15th-generation Southern Belle from the great state of Georgia. She'll take us both down."

 

Dr. Abigail "Abby" McCoy's practicum established the first family and pediatric specialty on the Enterprise. For six months (with a possible nine-month extension), Dr. Not-Lenny McCoy would set up a xeno-neo-natal, xeno-obstetrics and xeno-pediatric program with her ex-husband for the ship's crew.

Awaiting dinner in his new family quarters, head in his hands as Abby cooked and Jo-Jo jabbered on about how many different types of bourbon she'd found in her daddy's  _old_  quarters, Lenny wondered:

He wondered why Starfleet Medical's intent to do this to the Enterprise escaped his Inbox.

He wondered how Abby's assignment to his med staff missed his personnel alerts.

He wondered how Abby's message notifying him of her imminent arrival with Jo-Jo got "lost".

But mostly -

\- he wondered how Jo-Jo knew where  ** _every_**  bottle of bourbon on the Enterprise could be found.


	36. --Sulu--

_You can identify a scavenger a kilometer away,_  Sulu told his roiling stomach.

A Gorn female - at least he hoped it was a female - had just kissed him.

The president of the "Gorns Mate With Sulu" fandom opened her mouth, showing teeth caked with dead and decaying flesh from her (formerly) living lunch, extended a slime-covered tongue and laid it on Sulu. Literally - from one side of his face to the other. The entire top of Sulu's Starfleet uniform shirt reeked and stuck to him.

Three days ago Sulu had convened an emergency meeting of the swimsuit participants when the mandate to attend the Gorn fan convention came through. Pleading, he warned Kirk that attending the event could lead to Uhura "remembering" what happened, thus disrupting the operations of the Enterprise while he and Kirk recovered from sexual reassignment surgery after she castrated them both.

Unfortunately, the original request from Gorn had inadvertently been rerouted by the Communications department of the U.S.S. Enterprise to the Federation Diplomatic Service. Someone in Uhura's department mistook it for diplomatic correspondence.

Kirk's disregard of the invitation garnered a severe reprimand from Starfleet scarcely a day later. Apparently, the Federation needed an entré to begin diplomatic relations with the Gorn. The Hegemony's fleet of ships and store of weapons would begin to address the loss of Vulcan muscle in the quadrant.

Assembled with his calendar brethren in Kirk's quarters, Sulu received the bad news - he was now the Federation Cultural Emissary to Gorn.

Swallowing bile from the stench of the mucus covering him, Sulu nearly considered Seppuku - the Japanese ritual preceding suicide by hari-kari: death by sword through the gut.

He'd be returning for cultural - and saliva - exchanges every three Fed. Standard months for the next two Fed. Standard years.

Castration and sex reassignment didn't look so bad anymore.


	37. --Kirk--

The pattern of escalation told Kirk to be wary.

A bridge crew with a brilliant and secretly pissed off Comm Chief told Kirk he'd fail - not that Uhura gave any signs of "remembering".

He escaped the most obvious ploys:

=*The captain no long rubber-stamped anything Janice Rand handed him. He caught, but did not sign, the Komack edict - buried beneath 193 documents requiring his signature - that would have banned alcohol from the Enterprise for bridge crew. The Komack Alcohol Abatement Policy resurfaced for the 86th time. Normally it got flushed by Uhura. This time it "accidentally" got included for signature, even with Komack gone from their lives and command chain. No one in Communications knew how it resurfaced. The alcohol situation was bad enough as it was - thanks to Abby McCoy, Jim had to drink scotch or that tasteless synthehol non-intoxicating stuff.

=*Jim no longer wandered the remote places on the ship alone unless Spock and Uhura were on duty  _ **together**_. Uhura had taken to working out late at night when Kirk normally hit the gym. In and of itself this did not concern him. What  _did_  concern him was her new nano-tech robotic sparring partner whose face plate bore a striking resemblance to him. Uhura beat the 'bot to parts nightly.

=*Kirk no longer took shore leave. At the last two locations (including the starbase where they'd picked Abby up), he'd been well on his way to quality horizontal time with a local beauty when Uhura showed up - and wouldn't leave. Her seductive smile and intimate revelations about their experiences together (full of double entendres  **GUA-RAN-TEED**  to be taken out of context by Kirk's target) transformed his conquest from waiting and willing to dearly departed. Having accomplished her goal, Uhura happily left. Assigning her to bridge duty didn't help. She'd either swap with one of her staff or, if she had the con, she'd bug him for a decision every 12 minutes.

 

The vengeance he'd anticipated arrived with a Starfleet message header.

Kirk read the policy change in terror.

 

"...In due consideration of the situation Starfleet finds itself in after the events associated with Nero and Khan, the certifications required to maintain captaincy on Federation starships has been revised.

"Effective immediately, all starship captains must evidence conversational fluency in at least three non-native languages, one of which must be Klingon or Romulan..."

 

Kirk retrieved a beer - a real one - from his secret stasis container before reading further.

 

"...reflects the Federation Diplomatic Services' recognition that a significant increase in diplomatic contacts by starships will be the norm until the fleet is fully rebuilt and restaffed..."

 

Kirk's hyperventilation had the med sensors McCoy had Scotty secretly install in the captain's quarters yelling at McCoy in the doctor's new family quarters.

 

"What have you done now!? McCoy shouted, turning the corner into Jim's living area at a dead run and dead sober.

 

Wild-eyed and hypoxic, Kirk could only point at the screen.

 

"Lemme see what's got you this amped up..."

 

McCoy subvocalized the text until he reached the section where Jim seized up.

 

"...All captaincy certifications will go on provisional status for 12 Fed. Standard months...okay...Captains are encouraged to use any shipboard resource to acquire proficiency...right...

"...Certification exams will be administered by each ship's Chief Communications Officer."

 

McCoy panted a bit himself before placing a sympathetic hand on Kirk's shoulder and finishing Kirk's beer. Sitting the empty bottle back on the work surface, McCoy succinctly summarized Kirk's situation.

 

"You're dead. Spock can't even save you from this one."

"Memorizing this is easy - if I actually study it this time. Uhura'll give me an oral exam -"

" - which used to be your greatest wish -" McCoy inserted.

"I'll screw it up! And I gotta have someone to study with! Who else will study with me but  _her!_ Uhura knows more languages than Spock! _"_

"Do you want to keep the Enterprise?"

"BONES!"

"Then I suggest you suck it up and beg like a man. Uhura might have pity on you."

"Yeah, right..."

"Too bad Spock can't meld with you and teach you. Like Spock Prime - what are you up to?"

 

Kirk didn't answer immediately. He sent the same message to two people who were actually one person separated by time - one encrypted using a Sahndaran cypher and one encrypted using a binomial expansion. He'd have his answers before Uhura could crack the code.

McCoy, unable to discern the reason for Jim's sudden calm, restarted his aborted med exam.

Slapping at the med scanner, Kirk smiled for the first time in weeks.

 

"I'm good, Bones. You cured me."

"Dammit, I didn't do anythin'!" McCoy contradicted.

"Yes you did. Now all I need is to get Uhura off this ship for a while..."


	38. --Spock--

The repeated "issues" experienced by his calendar cohort tipped Spock off.

In a 21-day period, Uhura's Communications staff committed more errors than occurred in the prior 1.293374 ship's year. As First Officer, responsibility for the ship's efficient operations lay squarely within his domain of responsibility.

He dare not exercise that authority if he wanted to remain physically able to perform his ship's duties and those  _other_ duties he enjoyed with Nyota.

 

Kirk's message restored hope to the Vulcan that "normal" and "routine" might soon return to his speech and thoughts about his job and his bond.

Complexity did not delay his decryption of Kirk's message; the captain selected a cypher Spock would easily recognize. In times of stress (which included 36.199263% of his encounters with his mate), Spock performed this calculation mentally to regain his balance when managing emotions he hadn't considered part of his logical makeup - until he met Nyota Uhura.

Using the same cypher, Spock responded with a "suggested" delegation of responsibilities.

 

Despite their identical DNA, Spock had no intentions of letting his "other" self take his bond mate on an extended vacation.

* * *

Consistent with their recovery-of-the-recovery plan, Kirk offered Uhura an extended medical leave with her mate  _IF_  she would take it away from the Enterprise. Kirk also volunteered to foot the bill for up to  **four**  weeks of time off anywhere in the galaxy (such was his desperation to keep his "baby" - commonly known as the Enterprise).

After messing with Jim's mind for a week, Uhura agreed with some provisos.

Her demands had the effect of spending every last credit of Jim's swimsuit calendar earnings over the next  **six**  weeks. Kirk broke even... narrowly.

 

Letting his mate chart the course, Spock found himself in San Francisco in a VIP suite at the Fairmont Hotel at Ghiradelli Square for two weeks. From there they would spend an Earth month at the camping pavilion on the Uhura compound.

* * *

Spock awoke wishing he were dead.

 

The inside and outside of his head refused to move in the same direction, giving him an angry case of vertigo and a skull-splitting Vulcan headache. The mistake of shaking his head to clear his vision still had him reeling with a stomach more like Uhura's than a Vulcan's.

After consuming massive amounts of water and performing some half-assed meditation, Spock began to reconstruct the prior evening.

While affectionate and playful with Spock, the reconciliation and physical forgiveness he'd hoped for with Nyota had yet to occur. Her shielding over the last four days prevented any telepathic hanky-panky on his part to get her buck-naked and buck-wild.

 

Spock calculated a 97.02763% probability that his wife remembered the swimsuit calendar events as more than a dream.

Spock calculated a 99.99999999999999999999% probability that his mate deduced her memory of said calendar events had been tampered with.

 

So Spock slept with one eye open for 20 straight days. By yesterday evening, a very haggard and anxious Vulcan shared the luxury suite with a very calm and relaxed Nyota Uhura.

 

As the mental fog swished around his head this morning, bits and pieces of yesterday evening came tumbling back like so much flotsam...

=*She'd cooked in their suite - Uhura style. More than half the dishes were plantain, a surety to turn him docile - laid out on his back on the bed purring like a jungle cat waiting for a tummy scratch.

=*She'd poured glass after glass of the pumpkin punch she'd made especially for him.

=*He'd chased her, intent on terminating this dry spell of intimacy, when -

He'd awakened this morning feeling like death warmed up and slopped on a plate.

 

Wandering around their suite confused, he found her note. It aggravated him:

 

" _Ashayam_ ,

_You were sleeping so soundly, I decided to let you be. Some of my old football team are playing a pick-up game in the park and I thought it would be fun to join them. I'll be back this evening._

_Think about what you want for dinner. Rest well!_

_Love, Your Nyota"_

 

Spock prowled the suite trying to identify the annoying rumble setting his headache off again - he located its source in his own chest.

Nyota was playing American-style football. Tackle, no-pads American football.

Spock  **hated**  tackle, no-pads American football - when Nyota played.

She always ended up under a pile of males. He'd almost ripped Kirk's limbs off for tackling her during a game when she played in a summer league after her junior year.

Suppressing the screaming pain in his head, Spock dressed in workout clothes and left their suite, obsessed with assuring that the only body on top of Nyota's was his.


	39. --Uhura--

"SweartoGod, Uhura - we shoulda done the calendar with you. You'reanatural!"

 

Spock stalked the football players in the park - this was no "game" to him. Cameras surrounded the playing field, the 13 male participants and his bonded mate - the only female player on the field. From the center of the commotion a familiar and annoying voice directed the photography.

 

"Okay-okay-okay! I need one with Uhura leaping for a catch and maybe four of you grabbing her legs while she's in the air. Be sure you don't hurt my very valuable property, you goons!"

 

Spock sped up. A mass moved towards the football game from the opposite end of the park. Uhura's "team" snapped the ball and she took off, fast and graceful and determined. She stiff-armed a defender to the delighted encouragement of Donal Soon-to-be-Deceased Trumpe.

 

"Sellit-Sellit-SELL IT! Uhura-baby you gotta leave Starfleet! LemmemakeyouRICH!"

"I'm open!"

This information came from Spock's mate and alerted the defense to her location. To a  ** _man,_**  the entire opposing team gave vigorous chase to the athletic beauty.

 

The mass upshifted another Vulcan gear and accelerated. The shape made a sound like a male lion in battle mode. All heads but one turned towards the roar.

 

"Whatthehell!? Security! Stop that whateveritis! It's ruining my shoot!" Donal commanded. Donal's sub-average height and strength meant only the chair he was standing on heard his puny shout.

 

The shape bared its teeth in a very menacing way.

 

"Throw it!" Uhura yelled to her distracted quarterback.

The shape hit maximum Vulcan velocity and became a blur aimed at Uhura. The ball left the quarterback's hands at the same time the warning left his mouth-

"HEY! Get off the field! Uhura LOOKOUT!"

 

The defense - with a choice of looking at the ball, the blur or the babe in the midriff t-shirt and track mini-shorts - made a very male choice and kept their attention on Uhura. Four of them might get lucky and get their hands on her when she caught that pass.

Security made the wise decision to slow their roll in the direction of trouble. Their medical insurance didn't cover injuries caused by escaped wild African predatorory cats, and that roar sounded ominous.

 

"Come to mama..." came from Uhura as she leapt, looking the pass into her hands.

 

That's when seven strapping males found themselves plowed under by a Vulcan freight train.

 

"HeyyouHeyyouHeyyou! You're screwing up my work. Get outta here! Where's Security!?" Donal screamed at the top of his weasel whine. Security looked around for assistance (as if their uniforms weren't a dead giveaway that  **they**  were the assistance).

"I... gotcha!" announced the nubian supermodel, the ball landing perfectly in her outstretched hands.

"You are  ** _mine!_**..." announced the blur, Uhura landing perfectly in Spock's outstretched arms.

 

Spock growled at Security (who remained casually seated on the sidelines in chairs with their names on the back), threw Uhura over his shoulder and jogged towards the hotel.

 

"Same as last game..." S'chn T'gai Nyota Uhura laughed to herself.

 

From the back of Spock, Uhura gave Donal a thumbs-up and a wink. Donal grinned back and shouted his own brand of farewell.

"Any time, Uhura. I'll send the proofs in a couple months!"

 

The plan worked.

* * *

After days of making up and sleeping from making up, Spock spoke.

 

"I apologize, k'diwa."

"For agreeing to that scheme of Komack's or for trying to suppress my memory of it?"

"For not realizing how my... exposure in those images upset you. I had not fully realized that you are as protective of those things which are only yours as I am of those which are only mine.

"I did not mean to upset you, Nyota."

 

Turning slowly in deference to some very sore internal parts, Nyota's cool hand stroked his cheek and chin before sliding to his chest.

 

"I apologize too, ashayam. I might have over-reacted to Donal's edits. I think I scared Sulu and Kirk."

"You certainly made your point with those 'new' Starfleet assignments. How did you accomplish the languages certification?"

"Admiral Matoskah, our old boss in xenoliguistics at the Academy. I sent him logs of Kirk's screw-ups due to his languages 'allergy' and Matoskah went to Barnett. Remember - the Enterprise crew is the 'best of the best'. If Kirk is screwing up that badly, imagine what Starfleet thinks of the rest of the captains.

"Besides - either you or your other self will be able to teach him. I know that's why we got this 'medical' vacation. The other 'you' must be buried in Jim's head by now. Don't worry; I made sure there's a written part on the exam - I asked Matoskah to make it up so I'd be fair."

"And Lieutenant Sulu?"

"Honest - I thought they'd only send him once! It's funny when you think about it..."

"Nyota, he is undergoing bio-hazard decontamination after every Gorn conference. He is in counseling for post traumatic stress disorder. He's become a strict vegetarian. A Gorn female has filed a paternity suit against him."

Uhura laughed hard despite the discomfort from days of love-making.

 

"And before you ask, I had NOTHING to do with Scotty - he just refuses to believe Carol's explanation."

"Dr. McCoy mentioned 'Purgatory' when I inquired about his next destination after the last bridge officer's meeting." Spock offered as an incentive for further retaliation confessions.

Nyota snugged against Spock's Vulcan-hot side and exhaled.

"Leonard's been drinking more than usual. After the calendar came out, Abby told me he started comming her every other day - which is unusual for Len. He misses her and he misses Jo-Jo. Maybe all the attention unnerved him.

"Abby asked if I'd help expedite her application for the Enterprise medical staff practicum and I did. And maybe I made sure Len's notifications arrived late so he wouldn't object? She's worried - Len's drinking himself to death with Jim's unintentional assistance. Abby and Jo-Jo are the only ones who can save Leonard from himself.

"I wasn't trying to punish him. Len needs support... We're like family to Len, but sometimes we're not enough to keep him from being lonely. Jo-Jo's growing up so fast and Len knows he's not there to experience it with Abby...

"I care about Leonard; he's always taken care of me... Like you do..."

 

Spock considered her words; she'd absolved Scotty and McCoy of responsibility in the calendar fiasco. Those human eyes, inherited from Amanda, took on a sad quality before he spoke again.

 

"Am I truly forgiven?"

"Would I have been in this bed naked for the past four days if you weren't?"

"You were shielding until four days ago; I did not know..."

 

The guilty expression on her face surprised him. Their bond link pulsed with her remorse.

 

"I shielded because everything I made for you was loaded with cinnamon. I wanted to make sure you'd come after me on game day.

"I'm sorry too, Spohkh."

 

Spock considered this as he rolled her on top of him.

 

"I would prefer those pictures of you not be published. I heard Donal's intent in spite of my need for you."

 

Donal Trumpe and Nyota Uhura established a peace, of sorts. In exchange for Donal's help demonstrating to Spock what it felt like to be bonded to a sex object, Uhura agreed to intercede with her mother.

Mrs. Uhura had filed 682 breach of contract lawsuits - on Risa - against Donal, his companies, his investors, his partners, his bankers, his attourneys, his parents and siblings and any future children he might have. M'Umbha Uhura meant to take everything Donal owned down to his fake hair and bad comb-over. Without Nyota's intervention, Lawler Everright would have heard the case on Risa in a month.

 

A naughty grin communicated Nyota's readiness to resume the apologies.

 

"Then I suggest you spend the rest of our vacation persuading me not to sign Donal's contract.

"My mother's reviewing it - in Africa."

 

Spock kissed her, rolling them again so he could look down upon this beautiful, brilliant, loving, mercurial and Machiavellian mate he'd bonded to.

"You exhibit the cunning of a Romulan, Nyota Uhura. I am beginning to understand why Uhuras are a formidable clan."

 

As he kissed her thoroughly, their telepathic rapport exposed tendrils of a thought deep in the recesses of his mind, almost too deep for her to retrieve.

_Our child will be formidable; j_ _ust like my Uhura mate..._


	40. The Closing

Back on the Enterprise, life returned to something approaching ordinary.

=*Scotty eventually received confirmation of Carol's pox diagnosis and had to move himself and Keenser back to their old quarters. Having grown used to the larger accommodations, Scotty was hard pressed to find room for the pallet (1 pallet = 240 bottles) of scotch he'd been storing in the "baby's" room. Scotty's vidlog during his cohabitation with Carol (all three weeks of it) showed his tendency to lovingly massage the slightly raised pox on her abdomen.

=*Leonard McCoy smiled every damn day his (former) family lived on the Enterprise. This led to an increase in treatment for anxiety disorders amongst his patients. This also led directly to an increase in alcohol consumption by the med staffers and the captain (Scotty congratulated Jim for his maturing taste in spirits; Kirk now adored scotch). To appease Uhura, the captain created a new quality assessment for the new medical specialties. In this way, the captain ensured Abby and Jo-Jo McCoy's presence on the Enterprise every six Earth months. McCoy groused about being seconded to his ex-wife twice an Earth year until Scotty reminded him of Spock's daily situation on the bridge.

=*Over time, Sulu reacquired the ability to speak without a stutter (or a facial tic that left him celibate on the Enterprise for weeks) and to consume cooked meats - as long as they were charred to a crisp to make sure the meat was  **dead**. M'Umbha Uhura represented Hikaru pro bono in the paternity case. Nyota's mother established conclusively to the court that having offspring with "Sulu's eyes" did not trump DNA evidence - along with the fact that Sulu, whether living or dead, would not copulate with a Gorn female.

=*Spock's first official act on his first official shift was to confirm Carol Marcus' return to duty - and, therefore, confirm the return of his opportunity to win the baby pool. Spock viewed this as a private concern between himself and his mate; his mother-in-law did not agree and repeatedly sent loving but firm reminders of how Spock and Nyota should be spending their off-duty time. He heartily concurred with his mother-in-law; Nyota required more convincing. First, though, Spock had to get his bond mate to the altar for a good ol' fashioned Terran marriage. Spock sighed mentally at the idea of being married by his captain; the looks Jim would give Uhura during the ceremony might cause more bouts of emotional compromise.

=*Kirk shared more than a few Jack shots with Uhura as he begged her forgiveness for volunteering his crew to help out a high-ranking jackass. Memories intact and calm restored, Uhura assured him she'd completed her retribution. After his heart-to-heart with her, Jim cut down on the recreational drinking with Bones (Kirk and McCoy subsequently agreed to restrict themselves to medicinal shots. At the rate Kirk got injured both would stay well medicated). The smile that forced Jim to take cold showers communicated a return to their former close relationship.

 

For this reason, Kirk exploded when notified by Starfleet of his assignment to teach Klingon to a group of captains near the Romulan Neutral Zone who were at risk of losing their captaincies. Klingon nor Romulan made sense to them.

Confronting Uhura when the orders came through, Kirk entertained the entire bridge (everyone except Sulu - who had yet to regain a sense of humor according to his psych files) with his flustered complaint.

 

"Captain, I told the truth when I said I was done punishing you."

"So  **this**  is a  **JOKE**!?" he spluttered at 150 decibels.

 

Uhura's public enjoyment of his predicament stroked his irritation.

She rose from her console chair and leaned in closer to deliver a very personal message for his ears only. Proximity elevated Kirk's interior heat, triggering his "Spock will  **kill**  you!" early warning system

 

"No, Captain. ' _This_ ' was set in motion before I left - after all, you got all that training the easy way with no effort. Not one milliliter of sweat."

 

Her sultry voice was just audible over Jim's rapid breathing.

 

"Send my regards to your 'other' Spock, will you, Jim?"

 

Lowering his head to his chest, Jim Kirk chuckled in surrender.

* * *

On a brighter note, Kirk received a commendation from Starfleet for his unraveling of the causal relationship of warp anomalies on matter transmutation.

A problem in the warp core induced degradation in the plasma conduits sufficient to create a static warp bubble within the housing. Proximity to the transporter pattern buffer processing unit initiated an anomaly in the transporter sequencing control unit causing the transporter to auto-start. Kirk, Spock, McCoy and Uhura were stunned at the life form on the transporter pad. Scotty, from his place at the control panel, danced a highland fling.

Old Man Archer would finally get that damned dog back.


End file.
